


Haunting

by SilverMidnight



Category: NCIS: Los Angeles
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Romance, Sexual Situations, Stripper!Deeks, talks of STD's, talks of alcohol abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-05-07 07:32:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 36,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14666322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverMidnight/pseuds/SilverMidnight
Summary: Years ago Deeks and Callen dated and the break up wasn’t the easiest. Now Deeks is working on the team and neither know what to do.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another request I got! Apparently we need more Stripper!Deeks. I 100% agree with this!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

A dark smirk played on Callen's lips as he climbed out of the car chuckling lowly at the joke his 'boss', Derek, was telling him. On the inside though he felt more than a little sick at the man's words. He needed to be locked up. Soon.

Which was, hopefully, what he was going to be doing within the week. He could not stand being around the man for much longer. He couldn't stand continuing to play the character he was playing for much longer.

When he had first started undercover work he knew that he was going to have to do some questionable things. Things that might keep him up a night. At least they would if he ever actually slept.

What Callen hadn't realized was just how deep he would have to go. Some of his actions were… He'd lose his mind if he started to truly think about all the things that he hated about what he did.

Today wasn't as bad as most days. Derek had decided that he wanted to have a little fun before business. His idea of 'fun' meant a male strip club. Callen wasn't exactly complaining about going, but he also wasn't looking forward to it.

As they walked through the doors his eyes darted around the room seeing if anything out of the ordinary was happening. Other than a few dancer whose ages were questionable it seemed as if it was a normal low end strip club.

Callen continued to look around, on the off chance he missed something, as they made their way to a table near the stage. Taking his seat he turned to Derek and the rest of the crew to see what was happening.

Before he could say anything the lights went low and music started. He saw a frankly creepy smirk come to the other man's lips before he turned towards the stage. The last thing he needed to see was whatever Derek was going to do.

Knowing there was really nothing better to do he watched as the stripper walked out on the stage looking both like he belonged there and like he had no idea what he was doing. It was an odd mixture that captured his attention.

Licking his lips Callen watched as the lithe body slowly got comfortable on the stage. He was still completely clothed, but he owned the stage and had everyone's attention. At least, he had Callen's attention.

He watched closely as the man swung himself around the pole playfully. It was as if all he was going to do was tease them. Which made sense with what his job was, but Callen needed to see more of him.

Facing away from the crowd he held onto the pole as he bent backwards until his head was practically touching the ground. It was more to show off how flexible he was than anything else, but he had an almost blissful smile on his lips the whole time. He was enjoying it.

Ocean blue eyes slid open slightly as he stood up once more before turning back around. Sauntering forwards he ran skilled fingers over his long, tan neck scratching hard enough to leave red marks as his mouth fell open letting them all hear a gasp of pleasure.

The fingers continued down his chest popping open the buttons of his shirt slowly revealing the toned body beneath. Callen's mouth watered at the sight on the stage. How he wished he could have that beautiful body under his lips.

As the man danced closer to him he unconsciously moved to the edge of his seat. His entire body felt like it was vibrating needing to see more of him. The rest of the club seemed to disappear as he focused solely on the dancer that kept moving closer and closer until he was right in front of Callen.

Sending a wink at the man the stripper down to his knees spreading them widely. He pulled himself to the edge of the stage never looking away from Callen as he moved. Without thinking he moved forward as well.

He had no idea what might have happened next, but before he could find out what a wad of cash was pushed into his face. Pulling back slightly he looked back at Derek and saw that he was smirking at him teasingly.

His green eyes were dancing darkly as he took the money out of his face and stood up. Reaching out he slipped some of the bills out and slid it into the man's pants his fingers skimming against the sweaty flesh.

"Marty's beautiful, isn't he?" Derek questioned with a shark like grin on his lips getting back to his chair, "I do so love to watch him perform."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another request I got! Apparently we need more Stripper!Deeks. I 100% agree with this!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Slamming the front door shut Deeks muttered angrily to himself as he pulled off his jacket and kicked off his shoes. To say that he had had a horrible day would have been and understatement. It was one of the worst days of his life.

And he didn't even know if it was over yet. He was at home and the case was closed but… His heart felt like it was going to beat out his chest at the thought that he might have to relive that embarrassment over and over.

Which was the last thing he needed to be thinking of at the moment. He had gotten a call from his boss saying that he had to be ready for a new case by the next morning. That left him with only a few hours got get back in the right mind set.

Normally he wasn't all that happy with having to go under without having at least two days in-between. He needed to be able to shake off the last persona and get into the next one so he didn't make any mistakes.

After the last few days that he had though he was more than happy to be able to put his real life on hold. The last thing that he wanted to do was deal with what was going on in his mind. He never wanted to deal with it again.

He just couldn't believe what had happened. It was the last thing he had ever expected and he hated that more than he could say. He should have known better than to think that he could actually run from his past.

Still, it had been years since everything had gone down. It should have been safe for him to think that he was away from that point in his life. Anyway, he had moved on for it all. He was completely fine now. Right?

A sigh fell from his lips at that thought. He spent a great deal of his time pretending to be someone else. Enough time that he had learned that lying to himself was the easiest way to lose grip on his own mind.

So he didn't like lying to himself. This wasn't just a little lie though. It was one that he had been telling himself since he was twenty. Ten years of lying to yourself was not an easy thing to break overnight. Or at all really.

If he had to be honest with himself though he knew that he had wanted nothing more than to move on. He just wanted to stop dealing with what he was feeling. Not exactly the healthiest thing to do, but it was either that or never climb out of the hole he was in.

And he had been going down the rabbit hole. He was still ashamed of the things that he had done during that period of time. It was because of that that he knew no one could blame him for dealing with it anyway he could.

Except now he was realizing that he hadn't dealt with it at all. The only thing he did was run from his emotions. He hadn't known what to do back then. Hell, he still didn't know what to do with them.

Deeks had hoped that he would never have to think about it again. It was in the past and if he never had to feel that heart twisting pain than he was good. He just wanted to forget it all or ignore it all. He wasn't picky.

Anyway, there was a chance that he was the only that was thinking about it. Maybe he was the only one that remembered what had happened. If he kept it to himself than everything would be fine. No one had to know that he was falling apart inside every time he saw the man.

That actually almost sounded like a good plan. Outside of a few key factors. Like every little thing about it. He was completely screwed and there was nothing he could do to stop that. Unless he didn't work with NCIS again.

All he had to do was tell his boss that it wasn't the right fit and that would be that. Well, that was hopeful thinking on his part. He didn't know Hetty all that well, but she didn't seem like the type of person to give up on anything she wanted and for some reason she wanted him on the team.

Okay, so he couldn't walk away from them. At least not without having to explain why he was so. That was the last thing he wanted to do. Even if that explanation was only for Hetty and himself he didn't want to deal with it. He didn't want to deal with any of it. He just wanted…

Sighing he went into the kitchen wanting to find something to stuff in his face. Again he had amazing coping mechanisms. He only got a few steps before he cursed under his breath and legitimately wondered if he could turn around and leave without getting caught.

"You're home early," Ray said walking into the room with a beer in his hand, "And you look like shit."

"Shut up," the detective muttered walking away from his friend.

"Wow. Okay. You're bitchy today. Is this a thing we need to talk about or just get drunk about?"

"I have work tomorrow."

"Talking it is. What happened on whatever you were working on?"

Glaring at the older man Deeks threw open his fridge door and grabbed the first thing without really paying attention. Slamming the door shut he looked down at what was in his hands only to groan when he saw it was nothing more than a bottle of soy sauce.

He could feel the tears of frustration threatening to spill and he was over it. After all the years that had passed he should have been done crying. He was done crying. The tears had nothing to do with that man. They were just… there.

"Marty?" Ray questioned his voice slightly softer than before.

"I'm fine," Deeks answered through gritted teeth, "Nothing happened."

"Marty-"

"Leave it alone, Ray."

Deeks spun towards the fridge again needing to do something only to be stopped by a strong hand wrapping around his wrist. He had to swallow back his anger so he didn't start swinging at his friend. Ray did nothing wrong. It wouldn't be right for him to take his anger out on the man. Again.

Letting himself be turned around so he was facing the man he did his best to look more put together than he was. The only problem with that was the fact that it was Ray. If anyone could read between the lines it was his best friend.

So he did the first thing that came to mind. He completely avoided eye contact. It wasn't his best plan, it wasn't even a good plan, but he did feel a little better knowing that he couldn't see the judgment in the other man's eyes.

"Marty," Ray sighed placing his hands on the detective's shoulders, "What did you do to yourself this time? I haven't seen you look this bad since that fucker broke your heart."

Without meaning to Deeks shut his eyes and dropped his head to his chest. Of course that was the first place that the man went. He felt his friend tense when he realized what was going on. And he knew exactly what was going on.

Ray and he had been through so much together. They had seen each other at their worsts and there were a lot of worsts for them both. Neither of them were ever likely to forget how they acted at those points in time.

"Tell me you're joking," Ray practically growled out his rip tightening on his shoulders.

"I really wish I could," Marty muttered before sighing and letting himself be guided to a chair to sit down, "I saw him today."

"How the hell did you even see him again? Was he one of the people you had to arrest? Please tell me you got to arrest him."

"That would have been fun. No, he… You can't tell anyone what I'm about to say."

"Given. Talk."

"Apparently he's an undercover too. He works for a different acronym, but he's a cop."

"A cop? You have got to kidding me. I thought he told you he was a…"

"Reporter."

"Reporter? He said he was a… Okay. Not only is he a dick, but he's a liar too."

"Tell me about it."

Ray sat in the chair next to him shaking his head at the situation. It was a position that he had been in too many times. Though it did warm Deeks heart a little. Mostly because he looked like he was plotting murder. He probably was too. Ray was a good friend.

"You don't have to see him again, right?" Ray asked looking up at him.

Deeks opened his mouth to say that he was never going to see or work with the man again. That he was going to do whatever it took to never work with NCIS again. Even if that meant that he was going to have to lie.

He felt himself stop though when he remembered the tools and knowledge they had at their disposal. If he had even half that amount than he would be able to save so many more people that he did.

That was all that he wanted to do really. He became a cop so he could help as many people as possible. If he walked away from NCIS than he was going to be burning a bridge that could really help him in the long run.

"Marty." Ray said staring at him, "Don't tell me you're actually considering this."

"I don't know what I'm considering," the detective sighed running a hand through his hair, "His boss seems to like me and she doesn't really take no for an answer. Anyway, I don't know if I want to say no."

"How can you not know? Do you not remember me picking your drunk ass off the floor? Do I need to remind you of how far down you went? Or the fact that you had to actually take blood tests to see if you had contracted something? Do you not remember how many guys were you banging back then? You were a fucking mess!"

Deeks felt his face heat up at that. He knew that he had made some mistakes. One of the main ones being almost getting kicked out of law school. Another being sleeping with anyone that was willing. And he did mean anyone.

Most of the time he was drunk. Something else he regretted. He didn't really remember all that well exactly what he had done. It was more Ray telling him just how stupid he was on surround sound whenever he had to go and get him from wherever he had ended up.

"I remember, but..." Marty tried to say before sighing.

"But what?" Ray responded with a glare, "What could be more important than you not falling down that hole again?"

"It's an amazing opportunity. Ray, you didn't see the tools they have. Do you know how much easier it would be to help people? I could do all the things I couldn't dream of doing with LAPD. I could help so many people."

"But at what cost? You'd have to deal with him every day."

"I never said it was the perfect plan."

"Not the perfect plan? That isn't even a plan at all! That guy broke your heart. He practically broke you!"

"I don't break."

"I beg to differ. You were heading to a body bag and you know it. Look, Marty, it took you a long time to get out of that funk. I don't want you walking back in without thinking about it. I don't want to bury my brother."

Hearing the older man's words Deeks felt himself deflate a little. He knew that his friend was right. The way things had been going for him he would have easily ended up on some slab with no name and only Ray caring that he was gone.

"I'll be careful, Ray," Marty tried to soothe, "I don't want to end up there either. I have some time to think though. The case I'm on doesn't involve them. I'll think about everything. I really will. I'm not going to just make this decision at the drop of a hat."

"I don't like it," Ray stated before taking a deep breath, "Just tell me if you do decide to do something stupid. Okay? Call me."

"I will. I promise. Now, tell me you didn't finish my pizza."

"I didn't finish your pizza."

"You're lying. Damn it, Ray."

"Hey, you're asking stupid questions. You still have ribs though."

"I do still… I don't have ribs anymore do I?"

"No, you don't."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys want to watch me be in complete denial over what happened in the season finale? Because that's what I'm going to be doing. ^_^
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Sauntering off stage Deeks threw a wink over his shoulder as the curtains closed. Instantly he was rolling his shoulder trying to get himself to relax a little now that he was away from the crowds eyes.

It had been awhile since his first dance and he was surprised how easy it was to do it now. It was actually fun to do. Especially when he got to stretch out his muscles that were cramped up from bending over a desk at school.

Although, if he was going to be truthful that wasn't the only part of the job that he had actually come to love. For the most part all of it was just fun and freeing. Things that he never realized that he had been missing.

It was also completely weird and strangely powerful to hear the catcalls and whistles coming from the other room. The men out there were cheering because of something that he had done. Okay, it was because he was basically dry humped a pole in nothing but a thong. Details.

The point was people were enjoying what he was doing and he was enjoying what he was doing. That was a good thing. The more enjoyment he brought people the more money he got at the end of the night. Money was a very good thing.

Not that he really had any. Even after a week worth of work under his belt he barely had anything. All of his bills added up very quickly and he was probably never going to be out of the red. Something he knew all too well considering he hadn't eaten the last few days.

It probably said something bad about his life that not eating was something that he was actually used to. Ever since he was a kid though that had been a part of his life. Going without because he didn't have any means.

Just because he was used to it though didn't mean that he liked it. He really really hated not eating actually. He also really hated having his things shut off before random people banging on his door demanding money. That was never fun.

At the same time though he knew that there were a lot of people out there that looked down on him for doing what he did. They all thought that there were better ways to get money quickly. Better ways to survive.

A lot of them thought that he was worth nothing. That people like him were better off dead instead of stealing their boyfriends or whoever away from them. He had heard all of the arguments and insults.

The truth was that he had thought that way too. There had to be a way to go through your life without having to strip. People that took off their clothes for money obviously needed help. They were broken and probably taking drugs and blah blah blah. It was all bullshit.

That was the first thing that he had learned. Everything that he had thought he knew was wrong. It wasn't as dark and twisted as the world tried to make it out to be. It wasn't as sordid or anything that he had ever thought.

Yes, there were some drugs going around between some of the dancers. Yes, some of them were in need of some help. They were still good people though. At least they were good to the people they cared for and that was you needed.

He had been a little shocked by just how much they cared about the other dancers. They took care of their own. Probably because they knew that no one else would. Strippers were not a high priority for anyone.

Still, for the most part he loved his job. The only downside were the guys that walked into the club. They were the real danger in the job. Viewing them all as if they were objects to buy. It was not pleasant.

No matter what anyone said though he knew that he wasn't going to regret his choice. He loved his job and he loved the guys he worked with. The pay was damn good too. Given it wasn't enough, but that was only because of his schooling. Becoming a lawyer was not cheap.

It also was not a simple thing to do. Which meant that when he wasn't on the stage or working the crowd he was sitting on the couch in the back with books all around him attempting to do whatever work he could.

Again not an easy thing to do, but it was better than not doing it at all. He knew what he wanted to do with his life and there was nothing that was going to stop him. If that meant sitting in a thong sweating his ass off learning different laws he was down.

Grabbing his book he picked up where he had left off already thinking about what he had last read. With a deep breath he began to tune out what was going on around him needing to not be worried about the other guys

Truthfully everyone was pretty good at leaving him alone when he had to study. Unless he had to work he was left alone to do what he had to do. So many of the guys were proud of him for becoming a lawyer.

"Sorry, kid," Harrison interrupted taking the book from his hands, "You have to private dance."

"Can't you do it?" Deeks tried looking up hopefully at him.

"You were asked for personally. I know this isn't the most fun part of the job, but we still have to do it. If it's any consolation the guy isn't bad looking and he doesn't give off the creeper vibe. You might get out of this just fine."

Sighing Deeks nodded to his boss and stood up making his way to the private rooms. Harrison wasn't joking when he said private dances weren't the fun part. When people were away from their friends they got a lot more handsy and demanding.

Taking a deep breath he plastered on his 'sexy' face and went into the room ready for whatever came his way. He could still remember the first time he had he had done that. He had felt so awkward that the guy had actually complained and demanded a refund.

In his defense though it was a completely ridiculous thing. He was pretty much gyrating on top of a complete stranger that couldn't touch him. What was sexy about that? No, he preferred the dancing. It was much more fun.

"Hello," Deeks purred out doing his best to sashay over to the client.

The man watched intently his eyes raking over the dancers body unconsciously. Deeks couldn't help but smirk as he watched the man shift in his seat. He really did love just how powerful it felt to make a guy squirm.

Nothing was said as he made his way to the couch. He waited for some idea of what the guy wanted him to do, but nothing came. Instead he was left to do what he did best. Which meant straddling the surprisingly nice thighs and waiting.

The man's hands twitched as if he was going to reach up. Deeks was already ready to remind him of the rules when he curled them into fists. It seemed as if he knew exactly what he was doing in a room like this.

"It's your time, baby," Deeks offered with a smirk placing his hands on the man's shoulders, "Just say the words."

"I… This wasn't exactly my idea," the client replied his eyes still moving over the dancers exposed body his tongue darting out to lick at his lips, "My boss thought..."

"Thought you might need some  _fun_. Sounds like a good boss. Just tell me what you like."

"No."

Blinking a few times Deeks leaned back so he could look at the client's face. He had never been flat out told no by a person that was paying. Even if it was a gift from someone else they always enjoyed what happened.

"No?" he questioned his eyes narrowing.

"You don't have to do this," the client shook his head leaning away form him, "No one has to know that we didn't do anything."

Staring in the man's face Deeks tried to read what he was thinking. He honestly looked as if he wasn't enjoying it. At least that he wasn't going to allow himself to enjoy it. He clearly wanted the dance to happen, but… It was confusing.

"You'll still be paid," the man offered finally locking eyes with him and not looking away, "But you don't have to dance or do anything like that."

"Oh," Deeks replied slowly climbing off the man's lap, "If you're sure?"

"I am."

"Right. Okay. Just why? If you're going to pay why not get the experience?"

"I'm not paying. My boss is. Anyway, I'm not a fan of the experience. Not like this."

"Like this? So you do like the dancing. You like having your partner on top of you like I just was. You just want it in the comfort of your own home and without the rules."

"Knowing the name of the man on top of me would be nice too."

For the first time in a long time Deeks couldn't help but blush at the man's words. He didn't feel bad or embarrassed for what he was doing exactly. He didn't know what he was feeling at the moment.

"I'm not judging you," the client quickly offered standing up, "I didn't mean what I said that way."

"What did you mean?" Deeks questioned more curious than angry.

"Just… I don't really know. I'm finding it a little hard to think right now. You're practically naked."

"I am. Kind of part of my job."

"It is. I'm not really into this scene though. I don't care what other people do, but I don't go for it."

"Then why be here."

"My boss told me to come."

Nodding his head Deeks took a step away from the other man and looked over him. He looked normal. Like any person you'd see on the street. That was everything except for his eyes. They were the most amazing blue he had ever seen.

"Some boss," Deeks offered with a slight smile, "Umm… If you don't..."

"Maybe this..." the man started at the same time as him.

Laughing awkwardly the dancer swayed on his feet not knowing what he was going to do next. It had been so long since he had felt so out of place in a situation. There was just something about the man in front of him.

"You go first," Deeks said motioning to him.

"I was just wondering if maybe you'd want to not do this here," the man shrugged rubbing at the back of his neck.

"We don't do private dances at people's homes."

"No! No, not the dance part. The conversation part."

"The conver… Are you asking me out on a date?"

"I guess I am."

"You don't… You don't mind this whole thing. Because I'm not going to quit my job for-"

"I don't mind. I don't have the best job either."

"What do you do?"

"I'm a… I'm a reporter. Freelance mostly. I'm out of the country a lot of the time."

"Oh. Fun."

"It can be. I met a lot of interesting people. One I would like to have dinner with some time. If he'd like"

"You don't even know my name yet."

"Is that a yes to the date?"

"I… Yeah. I guess it is. If I get to know your name."

"G."

"G? Well, hello G. I'm Marty."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little more angst thrown your way. Don't worry I'll explain the exact reason Marty is so pissed soon.
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Forcing himself to take a deep, calming breath Callen watched from the sidelines as a paramedic looked over Marty. The younger man had taken quite the beating before they were able to get to him. Not that you'd be able to guess that.

He looked so different than when they had been together. Not exactly in a good way either. He was more closed off than before. Like he was expecting to be hurt by the people around him. Was that because of him or because of the job?

It was impossible to tell which one since the younger man refused to look at him. Though that might have been a good guess since he seemed perfectly fine when Callen wasn't around. His walls were up and he wanted the agent to know it.

It wasn't as if he could really blame him. The break up had not been a good one. It had been very rough. The fact that the man hadn't decked him the first time that they saw each other was surprising. Probably to them both.

Callen had thought about the day that they would see each other again. He wondered if it would be in a court room or just on the street. He even questioned whether or not the other man would know who he was.

The last thing he was expecting to see what Marty during a case. Not just during a case either, but working the same case. He had thought that the man had wanted nothing more than to practice law and help people that way.

Being a cop was not high on the list of things he thought of when he thought of the younger man. He was too free in his mind. Not that he wouldn't be a good cop, but it just hadn't seemed like the right fit to him.

Then he saw him fighting Sam and that had been impressive. There weren't a lot of people that could take a hit from the man and stand back up time after time. That was exactly what he had done though. He was good.

He was also too far away to touch. Something that Callen was sure was done on purpose. He opened up a little to Kensi, Eric, and Hetty while leaving him and Sam in the wings as if they weren't important.

It was no surprise that he was there, but he didn't understand Sam. Unless he didn't like his partner because of their friendship. He had more unanswered questions than he could handle and he doubted that he'd get answers anytime soon.

All he knew for a fact was, despite having just gotten beaten by a guy that would have killed him without blinking, Marty was smiling and making the paramedic laugh. That  _did not_  make his gut clench with jealously  _at all_.

There had been a point in time where that smile would be directed at him. It would make everything that had happened on the case not matter nearly as much. Because that smile meant that he was safe, that he was home.

He had never thought that a smile could mean so much to him, but it did. It meant everything really. That smile alone reminded him just how much Marty loved him and how happy they were together. It was impossible for him to be upset around that.

That hadn't lasted as long as he had wanted though. He had had to walk away from that smile and those feelings. He had had to walk away from the only home that he had known, the only one that he truly wanted.

Seeing the smile again hurt. It wasn't that he didn't feel just as at peace as he once had. Even when they weren't directed at him they seemed to calm every part of him down. No, it was more he knew that those smile weren't for him anymore. Not that he thought he deserved them after what he had done.

At the time he had thought that he had no choice. He hadn't been willing to throw everything he had worked for away. Anyway, he was in too deep with the web of lies he had created when they first got together. If he backed out now it was all for nothing.

He loved his job though. As much as he loved Marty. It was everything that he had ever worked for. No one had thought that he would make it as far as he did. He hadn't even thought he'd make it that far.

The idea of losing that was terrifying to him. As long as he had a badge then he felt as if there was nothing he couldn't do. He was finally who he had wanted to be growing up. He finally meant something.

In all of his years he never thought he'd meet someone that would make him question that. It wasn't as if he needed anyone in his life. Being in the system had taught him how to take care of himself. He was good on his own.

Then he met Marty Deeks and everything he thought he knew went up in the air. Yes, he was still fine by himself, but he felt better knowing there was someone by his side. Callen didn't think he fought harder to keep himself or the world safer than when they were together.

All he wanted to do was keep the man he loved safe. It was an oddly powerful feeling having someone he wanted to protect. It sounded strange in his mind, but it gave what he was doing more meaning somehow. He didn't know how to explain it.

He also didn't know how to explain to Marty that he wasn't a reporter. That it was all just a cover in place to keep people from finding out what he really did. One couldn't exactly go around saying they were an undercover agent.

Callen had known that telling that secret was a big no no when he had first gotten into the job. He never thought that he'd have anyone he wanted to tell. Especially since the only ones that were allowed to know were husbands and wives of agents.

Someone that was not allowed to know what he did was his boyfriend. Not when they had only been dating for seven month. He had run operations that had lasted longer than that! With a hell of a lot less at stake too.

Still, Callen had wanted to tell him everything. Not just everything about his career either. He wanted to talk about everything that had ever happened in his life. He wanted to truly open up to a person like he had never done before. Like Marty had done with him.

With a smile like the man had he never would have been able to guess what had happened in his childhood. The abuse he had suffered at the hands of his father. The fact that he had watched his mother bleed to death. The fact that he ended up shooting his father. It was amazing.

He could still see all the pain that he held from that though. He felt safe enough with Callen that he had let his guard down and talked about it all. It was all proof that he was so much stronger than the agent could ever be.

That was actually the night that he had fallen in love with Marty. Throughout his career he had had people trust him with their lives. They knew that he was a good agent and that as long as it was in his power he was going to be fighting for his people.

Callen had thought that was the best feeling on the planet. People trusting him. Then Marty showed him something that he never realized he was missing. He showed him just how amazing it felt to have someone trust him with their heart.

And how had he repaid the man? By lying at every turn. His career, his past, his… Outside of how he felt about the man and his name everything about him was a lie. He was nothing more than a lie.

He had every opportunity to tell the truth too. Marty liked to talk. He liked asking questions when they had any free time. Every day they were together the man would ask a question about him and he lied to him. Every single time! The entire foundation of their relationship was a lie and he did nothing to change that.

Still he had thought that it would all work out in the end. He thought that they loved each other enough that all he had to do was finally grow a pair and tell the man the truth. After that everything would be perfect

He had been ready to tell the truth too. He had just come back from a mission and he knew what he had to do. Hell, he had actually been excited about talking. Before he could though he was being pulled into his boss's office for a conversation.

Callen never figured out how anyone had found out, but apparently some of the other agents had found out that he was dating a stripper. They, and his boss, thought that reflected badly on the agency.

He had tried to fight it, but the man had held firm. It was either break up with the man he loved or get fired and lose everything he had worked for. It was the hardest choice that he had ever had to make, but he made it.

He couldn't tell himself why he had run away like that either. He had been in love with Marty. If he was honest he still was in love with him. The man was probably the only person that he never doubted his feeling about.

Seeing him after so many years had passed was one of the best days of his life. He had actually had to walk away from everything for a moment when he had first heard he was there because he was smiling too much to hide it. Then he remembered it all.

The man in front of him wasn't the Marty that he knew. He was a man that only knew him as a liar. They weren't together anymore. He was just the ex that had broken his heart. He was a past that was probably never going to get another chance.

Still, Callen felt hopeful. It was stupid of him and he knew that it would end it heartbreak, but he loved Marty. After all this time he loved Marty with all of his heart. He had let him go the first time around. He didn't want to do that again.

There was something in him that he couldn't quite explain. With everything that he had done out in the open it was finally time to talk to Marty about it. Maybe they could clear the air. He had to give it a chance before he gave up.

Watching the younger man climb out of the back of the ambulance Callen followed him away from everyone knowing it was not a conversation for the public. Anyway, if Marty ended up hitting him he didn't want the man in trouble. It wasn't as if he didn't deserve a hit or two.

"Is there a reason you're following me, Agent Callen?" Marty questioned his voice completely void of emotion.

A shiver ran down his spine at that. The last thing that the man was was emotionless. He never shied away from the fact that he wore his heart on his sleeve. It was one of the many things that he had fallen in love with.

"I was hoping we could talk," Callen answered making his way closer.

"We have nothing to talk about."

"Marty-"

Before he could say anything else hands were fisting into his shirt and he was being thrown and pinned against the wall. His heart sped up in his chest at the anger. That was not like the man that he knew.

Then he got a good look at the man. Up close he looked exactly like he always had. A little older, but still the same man he fell in love with. Except for his eyes. There was so much rage in them. It was so wrong.

"Don't you dare call me that," the detective spat out slamming him back once more, "Don't you dare act as if everything is fine."

"Mar… Deeks," Callen tried to start only for the man to place his forearm on his throat cutting his air off.

"No, you don't get to do this. You don't get to apologize or even talk to me about what happened. You get nothing from me again. Do you understand that? We might be a part of the same team, but make no mistake. You mean nothing to me, G Callen. Nothing."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this my people and aliens is why Deeks is so pissed off. I can't say I blame him, though I can say I did write him this way so it is my fault.
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Slamming the door to the car shut Deeks clenched his hands into fists trying to push back the anger that seemed to become common for him since starting to work with NCIS. At least it had since he started to see the  _wonderful_  Agent G Callen daily.

Deeks didn't think of himself as an angry person. He worked hard to push back that emotion until he needed it on a job. Reacting in anger never ended well and he liked to think that he was better than that. Or he liked to force himself to be better than that.

Callen had a way of drawing out strong emotions though. Back when they were dating he just had to think of the man to feel like he was floating above the world. He had thought that that was a good thin gin a relationship.

That heart racing love that so many people said didn't exist outside of fairytale romances. He hadn't even thought that it was real until he met the older man. Not to say he didn't believe in love. He just knew that love didn't solve all the problems in the world.

Being with Callen was beyond anything that he had ever hoped to have for himself. It was a burning passion. Not like a forest fire though. More like a fireplace. It was held in ornately carved stone and fed wood to keep it lit.

Love was work. It was sitting there for hours feeling miserable yet hopeful because the fight was worth it. It was wanting to be a better person because made you feel like you were better. It was perfect imperfection.

Deeks hadn't had the best example of that growing up. His mother used to tell him stories of the man his father used to be before he started to drink. He had been wonderful for his mother. The perfect version of himself.

Sometimes he wondered if that was why he had fallen so far. He had wanted to be perfect for him and his mother that he hadn't remembered that he was still human. They had never needed perfection. They had just needed him.

It also made him wonder why his mother had stayed with him. He had asked her once when his father was out drinking or working and what she said hadn't made sense at the time. It was just a simple 'I love him'.

For so long he hadn't understood what that meant. His father might have been a good man at some point in time, but he had fallen hard and ended up a nasty, abusive drunk. The love that she felt should have been long gone.

Then he met and broke up with Callen. God, he hated that man for what he did to him. Even now he had so much anger towards him it was surprising that he hadn't gone off the deep end and took a swing.

At the same time though seeing his face sent his heart into a flutter of nerves and desire. The kind that made him want to reach out and feel his lips against his own just one more time before he punched him.

It was the same feeling he had fallen in love with all those years ago. Well, outside of the punching thing. That was new. Not that he could be blamed for that one. Anyone with an ex would agree with wanting to hit them.

Still, underneath all the anger and pain was a powerful sense of belonging that he had never quite gotten over. It was just as addicting now as it had been back then and he still couldn't get enough of it.

Hell, the longing had been there when he and Callen weren't together in anyway. It came up in his dreams at night and when he let his mind wonder for a moment. It had felt as if he was never going to get away from it all.

Ray had called him out on it more than once. If there was one person on the planet that hated Callen more than him it was Ray. The man did not forgive anyone. Ever. If anyone hurt someone he cared about than it was a safe bet that they should run because he was not going to let the person stay alive for long.

Though Callen did hold a special place of hatred for his best friend. That had more to do with how he had acted after they had broken up. Either of them becoming like their father's was something that terrified them both.

If he was honest though the conversations happened before he and Callen got together. His friend was always telling him to slow down. That if he let his heart lead the way the only thing that would happen was heartbreak.

He was a hopeless romantic though. Even without totally believing it he wanted so badly for true love and happily ever after to exist. He wanted that for himself and for everyone else. He wanted so badly to believe.

Something that drove Ray insane. They had very similar pasts and it pissed his friend off to no end that he still kept his faith in the humanity. In spite of everything he had been through he believed that most people were good underneath all the walls they had covering their hearts.

The only way that he could really believe that though was to prove it himself. Yes, he was protective of himself and it took some time to get through to his heart, but he didn't just sit there not letting people in.

His favorite past time was making friends with people that everyone else turned their nose up at. People like Ray. People like him. The ones that knew so much pain that their walls were thick and their hearts were bright.

Deeks knew that viewing the world that way was completely moronic of him. It was also the easiest way to make sure that he got himself hurt at every single turn he made. Which happened just about as often as one thought.

He had made his mother a promise though. He told her that he would never let his heart be twisted like his father's. Being so angry and bitter all the time just ended up ruining all the good that was around for everyone involved.

Yes, that philosophy ended up hurting him more often than not, but he never let that stop him. He would never let himself lose what made him the person that he was. No matter how much it killed him sometimes.

Not when his mother had done so many things to keep him safe. He had made her a promise that he was never going to break. He didn't care if she had been dead and buried for most of his life he wouldn't disrespect her like that.

Even with all of that said though he wasn't as free as Ray liked to say he was. He did know just how horrible people could be and just how good they could be at acting. If they knew just how willing he was to give someone a chance than they'd take it.

He had run into more than a few people like that. They just wanted to use him because they thought he was an easy target. He knew better than to let himself be played by people though. He might want to believe in the good, but he wasn't blind to the evil.

He was also not a very forgiving if someone hurt him. Every single person he met only got one chance to prove to him what kind of person they were. After that he was done. He had already been through one abusive relationship. He wasn't doing it again.

Which made him seriously question his sanity when it came to Callen. He knew what type of person the agent was. It didn't matter how many years had passed since the last time they had seen each other. He was the same person.

Deeks told himself that over and over every time he saw the older man. He reminded himself that there was no chance that working together was going to end well. They were awkward and he didn't trust the man at all.

There was a reason that no one said that he was the sharpest tool in the shed though. Because even with all of those thoughts in mind it felt easy being around him again. As if he wanted to slip back into the life that they used to have together. Too bad he was questioning just how real that life was now that he knew the truth behind Callen's job.

The only thing that really kept him from going off the deep end and talking to the man was his partner. The fact that he was completely positive Sam didn't like him was a saving grace that he hated as much as he loved.

As much as he hated having people look down on him, and that was exactly what it felt like every time Sam turned to him, he needed the reminder that the man was Callen's best friend. It probably meant nothing, but it was the jolt that he needed.

Not that it always helped. Especially since his desk was right across from the man that he had loved at one point in time. Or still loved him. The details about what he was feeling were a little fuzzy and he despised that.

So yeah, he was pretty much screwed. He often joked with Ray that he should get that tattooed on his forehead in Latin. His friend never laughed at the joke. Just told him that he knew a guy that would do it cheap.

Even with all of that though he had meant what he said when the opportunity first came up. NCIS had so much more money and technology. He could do his job so much better with them at his back.

The fact that there were some good people there helped. Kensi and Eric had quickly become friends that he cared about. While Hetty became… Well, she became Hetty and there was never a way to explain her.

All in all it was a bittersweet thing. He loved the chances he had and some of the people, but he never wanted his past to rule his life like that. What happened between the two of them was over and done with. It should stay in the past, but the world wasn't fair. It as much more punch you in the face.

The only thing that kept him from going insane was the work he did. There was nothing like having a job that allowed one to fight and fire weapons. It wasn't the best way to deal with his anger, but it was a lot better than drinking himself to death.

At least most days it was better. Today though, he needed a bottle or two of whiskey and it wasn't even noon. He really needed to take a minute and get his brain in order before he did something stupid. Again.

"You do remember that we're going to talk to the victim's husband right?" Kensi questioned shutting the driver's side door when she got in.

"What?" Deeks asked staring at her in confusion.

"You look like you're about five seconds away from a not so friendly weapons discharge. Is everything okay? Or is this just how Detective Marty Deeks acts? Because I have to say you don't seem like the angry, violent type?"

"What type of person do I seem like?"

A hum fell from his partner's lips as she turned to face him. He knew that she was just teasing him, but he was still curious. It was rare that people got to know the real him even outside of his work. Maybe she could see him.

Her dark eyes trailed over him making him feel as if he was a crime scene. With how much damage there was in him that analogy might not be all that far off the mark. Not that he'd admit it out loud.

"Like the type of person that has seen enough to know better and still tries," Kensi offered with a despondent smile.

Deeks stomach twisted at her words. They were so close to what Ray said to him it wasn't funny. Wasn't he supposed to be good at hiding who he was? Was being around Callen making him lose his touch?

"So an idiot?" Deeks snarked with what he hoped wasn't a self-deprecating smile, "Lucky me."

The glare he got in return told him that she had seen through his act. He really was off his game. He needed to get that back under control before they went out in the field. No good came if he wasn't in the right frame of mind.

Deflating in his seat he looked out the front window not needing to see what the woman was thinking. They were both gathering information still. It wasn't good, but nothing he did was going to stop her from looking right through him now.

"You're not an idiot, Deeks," Kensi started still looking at him, "At least not for that. Being a cop and having faith in humanity is a good thing."

"Oh yeah," Deeks rolled his eyes, "Everyone loves partnering with a cop that has faith that people don't suck."

"Note to self: Deeks get very sarcastic when someone is trying to help him."

Hearing the agent growl a little he turned to her and tried to offer a smile. He knew it wasn't the best that he had ever done, but she looked a little less like she was going to hit him than she had before so he was going to count it as a win.

"Sorry. I just…" he tried to speak only to trail off when he had no idea what to say.

Sighing Deeks carded a hand through his hair attempting to get his brain in order. Being so close to someone that wasn't his best friend was throwing him off. It was like playing with a whole new set of rules halfway through the game.

As hard as he tried things had changed for him after everything that happened with Callen. When they broke up, and he got sober, he had spent a lot of time just being alone. He didn't really want to be around strangers.

It wasn't that he thought that anyone that got close to him would hurt him. He knew that situations like what happened with him and Callen weren't common place. He still believed that people were good and that they wouldn't hurt him.

It was more that he still felt hurt. He had questioned everything that he had ever done because of what Callen did. He even went as far as to wonder if maybe he just wasn't the person that deserved a happy ending. Your brain while getting sober was a dick.

Every time someone tried to get close to him his mind would start to think about what happened. He would wonder if maybe he was going to do something that made them look at him the same way Callen had. He never wanted that to happen again.

"Deeks?" Kensi questioned sounding worried.

"What?" he asked before shaking his head as the situation came back to him, "Sorry. Sorry. I know you're trying to help me, but you can't."

"We're partners, Deeks. This is what you've been trying to get me to do from the beginning. Remember? Or if this not a two way street?"

"It is, but this is bigger than our partnership."

"What could be bigger?"

"The team as a whole. Look, Kens, if anything happens I'm the odd man out. You, Sam, Callen, Eric, Hetty… You're the family."

"You're part of the family now too."

"No, I'm not. I can't be."

"Why not? What is it that could possibly make you not want to join?"

"Callen."

Kensi looked even more confused at that. Not that he blamed her. From her point of view they weren't anything to each other. It wasn't as if they really interacted. Which he actually took pride in. The less time they spent together the better.

Even then though it was surprising just how easy it all was. For the most part it felt like Callen was the team leader and he was the new guy. It was a complicated situation, but it was doable. That was all before they added in the fact they dated.

They were professional. At least that's what he liked to tell himself. As much as he hated lying to himself he didn't want to admit it the truth. Not when the truth meant admitting how much he still wanted the man.

One would think that after what had happened he'd have lost all of those feelings. He hadn't. He still cared about Callen. His heart still sped up whenever he caught of glimpse of the man. Just like it had done back when they dated.

It pained him to say, but he had actually thought they had a future together. He'd be a hotshot lawyer defending the little people while Callen traveled all around the world telling stories that needed to be told. It sounded perfect.

Even now he dreamed of that life. Though they felt more like nightmares now. He had thought that Callen was the person he'd spend his forever with. It hurt just how blind he had been when it came to the other man.

"I know you don't know Callen all that well," Kensi tried only to trail off when the detective snorted, "What?"

"Nothing," Deeks answered crossing his arms over his chest, "Aren't we supposed to be going to the victim's place?"

"Not until you tell me what that snort meant. Do you know Callen?"

"No, I have no idea who that man is."

"Deeks."

Looking over at the woman Deeks felt at war with himself. He liked Kensi and he knew that the two of them could be great friends. She was like the sister that he had never had. Right down to the fact that she'd hit the stupid right out of him.

The only problem with that was that she was friends with Callen as well. She was his sister first and he wasn't the type of person to mess with a relationship like that. If only because he didn't want to hurt her.

Still, he wanted someone who knew Callen to know what happened. If only because he felt like he was going insane with unanswered questions. Ray was his best friend, but he didn't know Callen. He was the only one that had gotten to know the man. At least he thought he did.

Deeks couldn't say that he really knew the agent. He knew the man that he was when they were together, but who was to say that was who he was? Before he had met Agent G Callen he had just thought the man was a cruel liar. Now that he knew he worked undercover he was… No, he was still a cruel liar.

"Deeks," Kensi repeated breaking through his thoughts.

"Callen and I dated," Deeks rushed out before he could think better of it.

"What? Did you just… You and Callen dated?"

"Back when I was in law school. I was putting myself through college by dancing…"

"You were a stripper?"

"Big picture, Kens."

"Right. Sorry. You met Callen at a strip club."

"He and I started a relationship not long after that. A couple of drinks here and there. A dinner when he was in town. Talking on the phone whenever he could get away from his work. I thought that everything was going well, but he broke up with me one day out of the blue."

"He didn't give you a reason?"

"Oh, he gave me a reason."

"I'm not going to like this, am I?"

"He told me that he had enough information for his article."

"Article?"

"Callen had said that he was a reporter that wrote about the people everyone over looked. When he broke up with me he said that his boss had wanted an article on strippers and the types of abuse they went through to end up there. He  _thanked_ me for telling me about my past and said that he'd sent me the paper when it was published."

"He what?!"

Hearing the indignation in the woman's voice Deeks let out a broken laugh blinking back the tears he was tired of shedding. It had been so long since he had said what happened that day. Hearing it again made his heart break just a little more. Not that it had healed all that much.

He had never felt so worthless than he had in that moment. He had spent years getting yelled at and beat by his father. Hearing how worthless and pathetic he was. How the man wished that he had died before he was born.

As odd as it sounded he had come to terms with all of that. It sucked, but he wouldn't let the ghost of his father ruin his life. He moved on and became the person his father could never dream of being.

With that said though Ray was the only person that had ever know his past. It was something that he knew people could use against him if they wanted to. It also made people look at him like he was broken. He was not a fan of that look.

Callen had been the first person that he had wanted to tell everything to. He had been so in love with the man that he felt it was the right thing to do. So he had told him every little detail about what had happened to him.

In other words he had given the man the exact ammo he needed to break him. To have the other man take what he had said and throw it in his face was more than he could bare. For the first time in his life he had felt like his father's words were true.

He had fallen hard that day. All the pain and anger that he had never understood growing up suddenly made sense. He wanted to feel something other than pain and hurt and ended up following his father's footsteps because of it.

Night after night he drank himself into oblivion. He still didn't remember more nights than he liked to admit. All he knew was waking up in a strangers bed wondering if the pain he felt was from the hangover, the heartbreak, or whatever they had done to him when he was out of it.

He had done everything he shouldn't have done just to gain a few good feelings back. He couldn't stand being suffocated by all the pain that he felt. In that moment he was will to do anything to make himself feel like he wasn't a piece of garbage.

That was a feeling that he never wanted to deal with again. He had worked his ass off to never let anyone have that much power over him again. Once again making him question his sanity for joining the team and working with Callen. He knew he was an idiot for believing a word he said to himself.

"Deeks," Kensi sighed staring at him, "That doesn't sound like the Callen I know."

"It was him at some point in time," he shot back with more venom than needed before smiling an apology, "I… I don't care who he is now, Kens. I really don't. He broke my heart and he knew it. He  _knew_  exactly what he to say to hurt me."

"I just… I can't believe Callen would do that to you. I'm so sorry, Deeks."

"Me too, but I didn't tell you this because I wanted you to feel bad for me."

"I get it. I really do. I promise I'm not going to say anything."

"That's not exactly what I was worried about either, but thanks."

"Then what did you mean?"

Sighing Deeks leaned against the seat not knowing how to say what he was thinking. He wanted so badly to be a different person. Someone that could hold onto his anger and hurt the people that hurt him. That just wasn't him though.

"You care about Callen," Deeks answered after a pregnant pause finally looking over at her, "Don't let what I told you change anything on the team. Don't quit being his friend because of me and what happened."

"I…" she tried before chuckling and shaking her head, "You really are something, aren't you?"

"Yeah, an idiot. Told you."

"I was going with an amazing guy, but whatever helps you sleep at night, Deeks."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't meant to end this way! I swear it wasn't, but I can't say I'm mad.
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Tapping his fingers against his desk Deeks glared at the empty desk across from him before trying to focus on his paperwork once more. Callen had broken away from the team as soon as they got back from the crime scene and had yet to reappear. Not that the detective could blame him.

So far, Sam and Kensi had told him off for being a suicidal idiot and Hetty would be next if the man ever decided to show his face. He wasn't sure which one he preferred. Callen hiding or Callen getting yelled at. Both had their appeals.

If he was truthful though he knew that if the older man did show up he'd be the one to go off next. It was just plan stupid and idiotic what he did. Not just that either. There had been absolutely no reason for it. Everything would have been fine.

The whole situation had started with the team going to check out a crime scene together. They had all thought that the suspects were long gone by the time they got there as the walk-through had suggested. None of them were on high alert.

At least until the first gun shot had gone off. He could remember diving behind a truck with Kensi trying to figure out what was going on. There wasn't really much time to think though. They had to find the shooter before someone got injured.

To find out where the suspect was Sam had ended up sticking his head out with the rest of them covering him. It had been easy to find where he was, but it had come with a few complication. Like the fact none of them had a clear shot.

All in all it was not the best situation for a gun fight, but it could easily be fixed with Deeks changing position. It was easy and simple. Something that he had done a hundred times the last case alone.

So that was exactly what he did. He told Kensi to cover him and took off running. Instantly he had been avoiding bullets, but he got to his new position without injury. In his book he counted that as a win. Given that win came with the fire focusing on him.

In the end though that didn't matter. He now had a clear shot at taking the man down. Which was what he was getting ready to do. He had just lifted his gun up to take the shot when a scream echoed through the building followed by two more gunshots.

Bringing his head up he looked at where the suspect had just been only to find Callen wrestling the man's arms behind his back blood dripping from a graze in his arm. It was not difficult to figure out what had happened.

Running a hand through his hair Deeks tried to push those thoughts away and get back to his paperwork. What the agent had or had not done was not his problem. Callen was the head of the team. He had made the call that he thought was right.

At least that's what he was what he wanted to believe. In truth though he was pissed off. There was no reason for the man to have moved once Deeks was in his new position. He had had the shot and was about to take it. So why had Callen moved?

A soft growl fell from the detectives lips as he leaned back in his chair fully glaring at the empty chair. There had to be a reason for the man to have done what he did and Deeks didn't care what that reason was.

Except that was the only thing that he could think about. He went through every reason that he could come up with trying to figure out what had changed while he moved. There was only one thing that made sense.

Pushing away from his desk Deeks stormed out of the bullpen heading towards the gym. He needed to hit something and it was the best place. Though he didn't think he'd be all that upset if he ran into the other man.

That actually sounded like a better plan. His eyes darted around searching out the last person he usually wanted to see. He couldn't bring himself to care about that at the moment. No, he needed to get some things off of his chest and the best way to do that was to go straight to the source and hopefully not lose his job.

How could Callen be so damn stupid? He had almost gotten himself killed and for what? Deeks had been right there. He had been at the ready to take down the suspect and end the whole thing. He just needed to raise his gun.

The best part of the whole thing though was the fact that Callen had to be moving while Deeks was to get into his position. He knew that Deeks had a plan and he choose to ignore it. That was a wonderful feeling.

One that he had told Callen about back when they were together. He had, very stupidly, explained every little thing that made him feel worthless. He had wanted the man to know why he worked his ass off to be seen as someone that knew what they were doing.

It pissed him off to no end how little the agents took him seriously. At least Callen and Sam didn't. They were both constantly looking at him as if they had to explain how to do things. It was as if they didn't trust him to do his job.

No, it wasn't 'as if' they didn't trust him; they truly didn't. They thought that just because he was working for LAPD instead of NCIS that his cases had to be easier. No matter what he did he just wasn't an  _agent_ and therefore he wasn't good enough. They feeling of being worthless might be something that he was used to, but shockingly enough he hated it.

He knew that he wasn't as qualified as the rest of them. He was very much aware that he only spoke one other language and that his only fight training was from when he was living on the streets and from when he was at the academy.

That didn't mean that he didn't have skills. He was the only one with a law degree and that had helped him go undercover more than once. He also was good at making people who were too afraid to talk to the cops talk. He might not be as good as an agent, but he was definitely not worthless.

He also did not need to be protected. Everything that he had ever done as a cop had proven that he knew what he was doing. He could even do the work alone and be fine. He was damn good at getting out of tight spots without help. Sometimes he missed being alone on a case.

All of which just made him angrier at the situation. It was like everyone forgot that he had worked alone for most of his career. The last thing he was was new to undercover work and the cases with NCIS weren't all that different from LAPD.

He was so tired of trying to prove himself to people that thought they were better than him. He was good at his job and he was not going to let some agents try to take that away from him no matter what.

Deeks forced those thoughts away as he entered the gym and looked around. Callen wasn't anywhere to be seen and he still wasn't sure if he was glad about that. The urge to hit something was as powerful as ever.

Deciding that that was what he was going to do he turned and headed to the locker room needing to change into his workout gear. As he opened the door though he found himself face to face with the other man.

"Callen," Deeks ground out his eyes narrowing, "We need to talk."

"I have to go..." Callen tried to say only to stop when the detective pushed him back.

"Anyone else in here?"

"No. This isn't a good place to..."

"I think it's perfect."

Reaching behind him the detective locked the door not wanting anyone to interrupt. He watched as Callen opened his mouth to argue with him only to be cut off when Deeks gripped his slightly damp shirt and forced him backwards until he was pressed against the wall.

It reminded him too closely of the last time the two of them had been alone together. A flash of fear filled the older man's eyes for a second making the younger man smirk darkly before his mask fell into place.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Deeks demanded tightening his hold.

"What are you talking about?" Callen glared though he didn't try to get away.

"I was in position and you knew it. Yet you still felt the need to climb on a truck and jump on top of the suspect. He shot at you too! You got hit even!"

"I didn't think that your position would have been clear enough to see him."

"Liar! I had a clear view and you know it. You, on the other hand, had nothing. You put yourself in danger and why? Because you didn't trust me to do my job!"

The sky blue eyes narrowed dangerously as strong hands came up to take a hold of his wrists. Callen's grip was almost painfully tight as he forced the man's hands down to his waist letting go of the shirt in the process. Jerking his hands out of the grip Deeks moved them back to his chest and pushed him back once more.

"Don't even try it," Deeks growled out, "I'm not letting this go until you tell me what you were thinking."

"Fine," Callen spat out, "You're wrong though. I do trust you."

"Bull."

"I do, Deeks. I know that you're a good cop."

"You have a funny way of showing it."

"Drop it, Deeks."

"Drop it? How the hell am I supposed to drop it? We're supposed to be a team and you don't trust me."

"I trust you!"

"You didn't let me take the shot. I was right there. I had told everyone I was right there and that I was clear. You knew that!"

"I didn't do it because I didn't trust you."

"Then what the hell were you thinking? Because I've gone over it a hundred times and I got nothing."

Callen clenched his jaw tightly instead of saying anything. Scoffing Deeks shook his head feeling done with the whole situation. If the agent couldn't man up and say tell him the truth than he was done.

He started to turn around to leave only to have a hand come up to hold the said of his face. The grip was gentle yet unrelenting as it pulled him towards the other man until their lips were pressed together.

Deeks stood there completely still his eyes wide as saucers while his brain attempted to figure out what was going on. Slowly the agent pulled back his thumb caressing his cheekbones a sad look on his face.

Feeling breathless the detective stared at Callen in shock his heart racing in his chest. All the thoughts that had been running through his mind ever since he saw the other man went silent as he remembered the nights they had shared.

They had been good together for awhile. He was the first person that he could say he truly fell in love with. When they broke up though he had tried to block out the good thoughts needing to move on from him.

Just one kiss opened those flood gates though. He could clearly picture the nights where they'd lay in bed exchanging sleepy kiss as they slowly drifted off to sleep. Those had been some of the best nights of his life.

Even with those thoughts a voice was yelling at him to pull away and leave. It didn't matter that they had been good together. The man had left him and going back to an ex was never a good plan. Especially one that had broken your heart.

He needed to leave the other man alone. Deeks couldn't need him in his life anymore. He had to take care of himself. He had to be strong and not fall back into the man's arms. It felt so good to fall though.

Deeks couldn't believe himself. After everything that had happened the last thing he should be doing was questioning the situation. He should never have let himself get as close to Callen as he was. Not again.

He was better off not having the man in his life anymore. He had proven that to himself over and over. He was fine by himself. He had moved on from their relationship. He was fine. Perfectly 100% fine.

Even saying that in his own mind he knew it was a lie. It didn't matter how much time passed he was never going to be over Callen. He had fallen in love with him and being hurt somehow hadn't made him love him any less.

He had dreamed of the day that he saw the man again. Sometimes he reacted in anger and punched him hard enough that he fell to the floor. Other times though… Those were the dreams that left him wanting more and hating himself for it.

Now the man was standing right in front of him… They were touching each other once more and that feeling was back. That warmth that filled his entire body making him feel as if he was floating. He didn't know what he was supposed to do.

"What are you doing?" Deeks finally questioned tears filling his eyes as he forced himself not to lean into the hand, "What do you want from me?"

"I don't know," Callen offered brokenly with a shake of his head, "I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to do what you said. To leave you alone. Mart- Deeks, I- I didn't expect it to be this hard."

Hearing the man's word the anger that had faded out of him rushed back. How dare the older man act as if the whole thing hadn't been his fault? He was the one that thought it a good idea to break them up.

"Oh, it's  _hard_  for you?" Deeks sneered taking a step backwards before continuing sarcastically, "I'm  _so_  sorry. I feel horrible that this is hard for you."

"That wasn't what I meant," Callen tried staring at him, "I know that this isn't easy for you to deal with, but..."

"You know? You know how hard this is for you? How the hell could you possibly know that?"

"Deeks…"

"No, please, tell me how you breaking my heart was hard for you?"

Callen opened his mouth looking as if he was ready to tell him everything. For a moment Deeks heart jumped into his throat. As much as he wanted there to be a reason for the man leaving him he wasn't sure that he could handle knowing it.

It didn't matter how much time had passed he still thought about their time together. He still wondered if maybe he had done something that pushed the man into leaving him the way that he did. He really didn't want to know if that was true.

If it was something else though… Callen had been working on a case when they first started out. It hadn't been for NCIS, but he was still undercover. There might have been a good reason for him to leave.

Deeks cursed himself for hoping that there was a reason behind him. It didn't matter. Callen had done what he had done and that was it. There was no reason for him to question it. He had to walk away from it.

He couldn't though. There was something in him that needed to know the truth. Whether it was his fault for ruining things with the man he loved or if the blame was on Callen. He needed to know what had happened.

"Leave it alone, Deeks," Callen demanded moving to walk past him and leave, "Just leave this alone."

Seeing the older man trying to walk away from him once more Deeks felt himself loose control of his anger. His hands curled into a fist and smashed into the side of Callen's jaw making him stumble backwards.

Slowly the agent reached up to wipe at the blood now welling from his split lip. A huffing laugh fell from Deeks lips as the sight. He had wanted to make the man hurt as much as he did for a long time.

"Deeks," Callen snarled out before he let out a shaky breath, "Let it go. Just let this whole thing go."

Stepping closer he raised his fist ready to strike once more only to have the older man catch it before he could. He tried to pull away from the grip only for the men to spin them around and pin him against the wall.

"You need to stop this," he continued holding his wrists tightly, "Okay? For both of our sakes just stop."

"You want me to let it go?" Deeks spat at the man, "Then tell me why. Why did you do what you did? Why did you leave?"

Shaking his head Callen dropped his chin to his chest digging his nails into the detective's wrists. For a second Deeks was sure that the man was finally going to give him some answers that he needed.

"Leave it alone," the agent whispered his grip loosening.

"Why won't you just tell me what happened?" Deeks threw out glaring at him, "Just tell me the truth!"

"Drop it!"

"You son of a bitch. I hate you, G Callen. I hate you!"

"Good! Hate me, Marty. Hate me!"

Panting heavily he stared into the agent's eyes for a moment. Both of them were out of breath their chests heaving as they stood there. Slowly the man began to pull back as if he was going to just walk away.

Before he could move too far though the younger man lunged forward his lips crashing over Callen's. A grunt fell from the older man's lips as he moved forward to press Deeks tightly between him and the wall.

There was a desperate edge to the kiss that neither man tried to fight. It had been so long since they had been together. It had been so long since dreams of each other had decided to fill their sleeping moments.

Threading his fingers behind the man's head Deeks tilted his head to the side his mouth falling open letting Callen's tongue lick its way in. A moan fell from his lips as he rolled his hips forward needing to feel more of the body in front of him.

They were pressed together so tightly he could feel the man's length hardening against his own. A heady rush of pleasure and longing filled him as he tried to pull the man closer him. He couldn't get enough.

Feeling more needy than he had in awhile his hands scrambled down untucking the man's shirt and pushing it off his shoulders. Callen broke away from him long enough to pull off his shirt and throw it behind him before pressing his lips to Deeks neck.

Gasping his head fell against the wall giving him more access to his flesh. Teeth gently scrapped at his neck before biting down roughly enough that it would leave a mark. A loud moan fell from his lips his nails digging into the back of Callen's head holding him in place.

"G," Deeks whined rubbing against the body in front of him.

Pulling back a little the agent got his hands between them and started to unbutton Deeks shirt so his chest was exposed. Lips traced over his chest as Callen dropped to his knees and reached out to start working his pants open.

Licking his lips Deeks watched as Callen pushed his pants and underwear to the floor. He opened his mouth to say something to the other man only to have all thoughts fly from his mind when he leaned forward and wrapped his lips around his length.

Tossing his head back against the wall he reached out and cradled the back of the man's head gently. Callen bobbed forward taking him in his mouth inch by inch until Deeks could feel the back of his throat.

"G, please," Deeks begged not knowing what he was going for.

Pulling away from him Callen moved to stood up so they were looking eye to eye. Slowly a calloused hand came up to run down his chest wiping away the sweat that was beginning to gather there.

"Tell me, Marty," Callen demanded never breaking eye contact, "Tell me what to do. Just tell me, Marty."

Something told the man that what was being said had a deeper meaning, but he couldn't bring himself to figure it out.. Instead he gripped the man's shoulders and pulled him closer. Callen went willingly with the movement pressing themselves together once more.

"Fuck me, G," Marty pleaded not thinking beyond what he wanted at the moment, "Please. Fuck me."

Callen stared at him in silence for a moment his hand coming up to cup the side of his face. Everything went silent and Deeks was sure that the man would turn around and leave the room for good.

Instead of doing any of that the older man pulled him forward their lips meeting one more time. The desperation that had been driving them both sank into the background as they worked their mouths together.

Melting into the grip Callen had on him Deeks wrapped his arms around him giving up control for the moment. The agent tilted his head to the side licking his way into his mouth dragging a soft moan from him.

Callen reached down his fingers gripping the younger man's thigh and pulling it up so his leg wrapped around the man's hips. Rolling his hips forward so they rubbed together he swallowed the other man's moans before breaking the kiss to stare at him.

"G," he panted out only semi-loving the rough feel of the man's jeans, "Come on. More."

The agent nodded his head and let go of his leg before he started to remove his clothes. Deciding to follow his example Deeks quickly pulled off what little clothes he still had on his eyes darting over to Callen taking him in for the first time that night.

He was a little softer than he used to be, but he still looked amazing. Blinking slowly Deeks moved forward and placed his hands on the man's bare hips his thumbs unconsciously drawing circles in the man's flesh.

Callen placed a strong hand on his lower back and started to lead them backwards until the back of Deeks legs were hitting something. Looking behind him he let out a shaky breath seeing the bench right there.

He didn't know why, but seeing the bench right there made the world come back to him. He was about to have sex with Callen. The man that had shattered his heart. The man that he had should hate with everything that he was.

"Marty?" Callen questioned pulling his attention back to him.

Staring at the older man he told himself to grab his clothes and leave. Callen had hurt him. He had destroyed him. The last thing he should be doing was this. It was only going to end with him getting hurt again.

Still, looking into those eyes he didn't want to stop. He didn't want to think about everything that would happen once they were done. He just wanted to enjoy the moment. Just one little moment with the man.

"Please?" he muttered dropping down onto the bench his hands gripping his hips, "G, please. I need you to… Please?"

"I can't," Callen whispered causing him to freeze, "I can't do this."

Deeks felt as if the air had been punched out of him when the words fell from Callen's lips. The man tried to take a step back, but he wrapped his arms around the man's waist and buried his face into his stomach.

"G..." he tried as hands wrapped around his wrists breaking his hold.

"No matter what you think I do love you, Marty," Callen offered as he pushed him away so he could take a step back, "I have never stopped loving you. Ever since I left that day I have wanted to go back and change what I did, but I can't. And I can't… I can't do this knowing that it's just a moment of weakness on your part. I won't do that to you."

Tears streamed down Deeks face as he listened to the other man move around the room and pull on his clothing. By the time he looked up Callen was fully dressed and standing by the door his hand already unlocking it.

"You're a bastard," he muttered hating how broken he sounded.

"I know," Callen replied not looking back at him, "I know."

"I hate you. I hate you so fucking much."

"I hate me too. Good-bye, Mart- Deeks."


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's two sides to every story. So now we get Callen's explanation for what he did to Deeks. Let's see why he did what he did.
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Tipping his head back Callen let the last of his whiskey slide down his throat relishing the all too familiar burn. It wasn't often that he drank to get drunk, but that seemed like the perfect plan at that moment in time.

Around him the bar was mostly empty save a guy that looked like he hadn't been sober in the last ten years. A part of Callen wondered if he was going to look like that before the day was out, but he quickly shook off those thoughts.

He didn't want to think. That was the whole purpose of being at the bar. To drown out all the little voices in his head that were telling him just how stupid and pathetic he really was. He couldn't really fight with them after what had happened.

He still had no idea what Deeks had been thinking. Touching him, kissing him, asking him to… It made no sense to him. Callen had done everything possible to make it so that the younger man would never want anything to do with him. So why was he still there?

A groan fell from his lips as he raised his hand to call the bartender over for another drink. He had been there for an hour why wasn't he drunk yet? Why couldn't he just get those thoughts out of his head for good?

He had known that working with the detective would hurt, but he hadn't thought it would be as bad as it was. He hadn't thought that seeing the man everyday would make him feel as if his heart was being ripped out of his chest and stomped on.

When he had left all those years ago he had known that he was in the with Deeks. At no point in time had he questioned that. The feeling that he had stirred in him were ones that he had never thought he'd feel and hadn't felt since.

Callen always ended up wondering if that was his punishment. He had willing destroyed the one thing that loved more than anything so he never got to feel anything even close to that again. It was fitting to say the least.

That didn't mean that it didn't hurt. Every single time the younger man popped into his mind he felt like his heart was breaking all over again. Nothing he ever did made that feeling go away. Not that he tried all that hard.

The first year or so he had told himself that what he did was for the greater good. That Deeks was better off without him and that he had kept him from feeling so much more hurt. He had convinced himself that he did the right thing.

That was what he repeated to himself every single time he thought of the man. Anything to stop himself from thinking that maybe, just maybe, he was a complete and total moron for ever doing what he did. Shockingly enough that didn't work.

At least not during his sleeping hours. His dreams had taken on a life of their own after the break up. How they tortured him with every bad thing he said to the man that he claimed to love. There were so many nights he woke up close to screaming because he thought that Deeks had done something to himself because of what he said.

After that he knew that what he had done was wrong, but he couldn't go back and change it. Even if he saw the man again he knew it would end in bloodshed. He knew that he wouldn't stop it either. He deserved whatever was thrown at him.

So he did the only thing he could think of. He ignored it. Not just what he had done either. He began to ignore everything that wasn't his work. There was a reason that he was as good at what he did as he was.

It was the only thing that he could do that he knew he couldn't fuck up. At least not without losing everything that he worked for. How bittersweet that thought ended up being by the time he joined NCIS.

He had never thought that getting the career that he always dreamed of would be the thing that he regretted the most. In the end though as much as he loved what he did he knew that he would throw it all away just to be with Deeks once more.

Which was driving him insane. He had just had the opportunity to have the man once more. Even if it was just for that moment it would have been everything that he had been wanting since he left.

He couldn't do that to Deeks though. It didn't matter what he wanted in that moment. It didn't matter that just feeling his body against his own had nearly driven him mad. He didn't matter right then. Deeks did.

As much as the detective might have wanted to be with him in the moment he knew that it was just because of what had happened that day. If they hadn't gotten in the gun fight and he hadn't been pissed at him they wouldn't have gotten into that situation. There was no doubt in his mind that Deeks would have regretted it if they did it and Callen couldn't stomach that.

So he did the one thing that he had was good at. He left the building. Middle of the work day and he left the building because he couldn't face the man that he loved. Yeah, he was that type of person.

He had had to get away from it all though. He had to get away from Deeks. He couldn't just sit at his desk and continue to act as if everything was fine while the world around him fell apart in a spectacular way.

Day in and day out he did his best to push all thoughts of their past away. He ignored the pride he felt at the man that Deeks had become. He ignored the knot in his stomach when the man was in danger. He ignored the way he was always too close and too far away.

That was the thing he hadn't the most. The younger man was almost always in touching distance. All he would have to do was reach his hand out and he could feel him once more, but he couldn't. It was as if he was untouchable and oh did he want to touch.

Ever since he had first laid eyes on the man he had felt that way. Watching up on the stage had been amazing. The way he'd twist and turn, the way his hips grind into the air, the way his nails would scratch at his tanned skin. He was so beautiful.

He never told Deeks, but when they were dating he went back to the club more than a few times. He'd always sit in the back so he wouldn't be seen. Then he'd just watch as the man would get lost in the music.

He had been more than a little shocked when he saw Deeks for the first time after all the years had passed. The man he had become was nothing like the man he used to be. At least physically he had changed.

Back then he had been just on the side of skinny. Callen would still remember the nights when he had to practically force the man to eat. He had a good appetite, but he hated that he didn't have enough money to buy things for himself so he refused a lot.

The only thing he could really afford was going to the beach. He had attempted to convince the agent to join him on a few surfing sessions, but he had always declined. He had claimed that he had bad experiences in water when he just couldn't answer why he had so many scars and bruises.

The lack of food and the exercise he got from surfing and dancing had made him tiny. It didn't help that he had been that way growing up as well. Oh, the stories that he had from when he was a child.

His hair had also been a lot shorter back then. It was cut just above his ears and had been so much blonder than it was now. He had loved playing with the strands while the man's head was laying on his chest.

Those were the things that he missed the most. Laying in bed simply feeling the weight of the other man against him. He had never felt more peaceful after a long mission than when he had Deeks in his arms.

He had been trying to ignore those thoughts since he saw him again. It hurt too much to think about all the things they could have had if he had just grown a pair and… If he had just ignored the fear that he always felt.

There were nights though that he couldn't ignore the thoughts. He'd end up laying in bed with his imagination trying to tell him that he could feel Deeks once more. He couldn't count the times he ended up waking up and having his heart break seeing that the man wasn't there.

That was all he wanted to do anymore. Simply hold onto the man that he loved and never let go. He could forget the person he was supposed to be. It wouldn't matter in that moment. As long as he was with Deeks nothing mattered.

As soon as he'd think that though he'd be hit with the realization that Deeks didn't know the person that he really was. They discussed him at length, but Callen had always held back not wanting to put the man at risk.

He could still remember conversations where the other man would tell him something that happened when he was younger and then turn those blue eyes to him waiting for a story back. Callen would always freeze up.

You'd think after more than half a year together the man would demand something from him. He never did though. He'd just get this smile on his face, pressed a barely there kiss to his lips, and tell him to talk when he was ready.

In seven months of being with someone you'd think that he would have gotten annoyed or angry by Callen's inability to talk about himself, but he didn't. Never once was he anything other than supportive and loving.

That was what he loved the most about Deeks. With everything that he had been through it would have been easy for him to turn into someone that was jaded by the world, but he was still so loving and kind.

Even after all the years had passed that thought was there when he saw the man. He was a bit angrier at the world and he wore his heart a little closer to the vest, but he was still just as caring as he had been.

That had been a moment that had shocked Callen. He had never thought that he'd have complete faith that someone was just good for the sake of being good. Deeks had always been special though.

It was him that had driven Callen to be the best person that he could be. It was that unconditional caring that made him see the world just slightly brighter than he had before. It had made him want to make the world brighter himself.

After so many years of people thinking the worse of him he had finally had someone that just cared. The idea that someone loved him without even fully knowing him had given him so much hope for his future.

That thought still got him through the day more often than not. At least until he remembered who had given him that type of love and when he had done in return. As soon as he remembered what happened he felt his heart stop.

He had caused the man so much hurt that day. The last thing he deserved was to still hold onto the love that he obviously never deserved in the first place. It didn't matter that he had broken his own heart in the process. He deserved that anyway.

Clenching his jaw he lifted his hand needing more alcohol only to stop when someone sat next to him. He cursed at the person in his mind for picking the seat next to him instead of anywhere else on the empty bar. Then he realized it was his partner.

His hand dropped limply to the bar knowing that he had run out of time to get blissfully drunk. He should have known that the man would show up at some point in time to drag him away from his own misery.

"Don't bother to stop on my account," Sam offered not bothering to look over at him, "I'm just to give you a lift back to your place."

"Hetty," Callen muttered under his breath.

"No. Deeks."

Callen felt his stomach drop at the younger man's name. He had thought that after leaving him in the locker room that they'd finally be done with this. That he'd finally see Callen for the man that he was and he'd walk away.

"What?" Callen whispered breathlessly not looking up from the bar.

"Yeah," Sam replied feigning calm, "Said to look after you before he left. He looked like hell so I figured it was a good idea."

A broken laugh fell from his lips at that. He had hurt the man on purpose when they broke up. He had just left him alone and in pain. Why the hell did the man still care about him? Why couldn't he just walk away and leave him alone?

"Damn it, Deeks," Callen growled out running a hand over his face hoping to keep the tears at bay.

"Normally I'd agree with that," his partner stated with a shrug, "But I think this time he's right."

"You don't know what's going on."

"Whose fault is that?"

Glaring at his friend G tried to be angry at the man. There was no reason for him to stick his nose in his business. Except he did. What was going on between him and Deeks was affecting the entire team.

Not just that though. Sam was his partner and best friend. The man might not know everything there was to know about him, but he still had his back. Not as blindly as Deeks once had, but he was always there.

Something that he really didn't want at the moment in time. With everything that he had done to the younger man he deserved to be in some kind of pain. He didn't need Sam trying to pull him out of it. It wasn't as if he wasn't used to it anyway.

He had gotten used to people being disappointed in him. It had been happening since he was a child. Hell, he was usually disappointed in himself for the things that he did. He just didn't know what else he was supposed to do.

"I know you don't want to talk," Sam said after a pregnant pause, "But even you have to see that you need to."

"Sam," Callen tried only to stop at his friend glared at him.

"Don't. It's one o'clock on a Wednesday afternoon and you've had, at the very least, three shots of whiskey. What if we got case?"

"I don't..."

"G, what is going on with you? You've been acting odd since Deeks joined the team."

Looking away from the man Callen shut his eyes hating the tone Sam was taking. He had heard it one too many times in the interrogation room. The 'tell me and you'll feel better' tone. He really hated having it directed at him.

Not that it was the first time Sam used it on him. No, every single time the man was serious about having a real conversation with him the tone came out. It was the easiest way for him to know the other man wasn't letting it go.

"Look, I'm not a fan of the guy either," Sam continued when no answer came forth, "I know Hetty thinks that he..."

Clenching his hands into fists he tried to ignore the wave of anger that crashed over him. He had heard his partner bad mouth Deeks since he first started to work with them. It had become a bit of a thing with him.

There were some points that Callen had to agree on. The detective wasn't like them. He didn't have the same training and that could easily get him or them hurt, but he was still good at his job. Sam just did not like him for some reason. Not that that pissed him off or anything.

"Deeks and I used to date," Callen jumped in knowing that he had to put a stop to that line of conversation before he lost his temper.

Sam spun to face him his eyes wide with shock. In any other situation the look would have been hilarious. Getting the man to have that look on his face was almost always something he looked forward to doing.

"What?" Sam questioned leaning closer to make sure he could hear.

"Before I joined NCIS Deeks and I dated for a little over half a year," Callen answered slumping in his chair.

"You dated… What?"

"Sam."

"G."

Glaring at the other man Callen fought against the urge to throw a punch. He hated being pushed into talking and Sam knew it. All he wanted to do was forget and leave the past where it belonged.

So lost in though he missed a hand coming to rest on his shoulder. Tensing up he looked at his partner once more before he suddenly jumped to his feet. Grabbing Sam's arm roughly he slammed some money on the counter before pulling the man out of the bar and into the alley not wanting anyone.

Once they were clear of people he let his friend go and started to pace in front of him. It was not a pretty story and he knew that even with Sam not liking Deeks all that much he would side with the younger man.

Still he knew that look on the man's face. He wasn't going to let it go until he had all the answers and Callen did have some, not enough, alcohol coursing through his system. It was better if he just got it over with.

"I met him on a case," Callen started never stopping his pacing, "He was working someplace my boss liked to go sometimes. I remember the first time I saw him and I just… I don't know why but that first time I saw him I knew that I needed him in my life. I don't believe in love at first sight. It's not real. I knew though. I knew that he was important to me. I really didn't care if it was as a friend or if we were something more I just wanted him in my life."

"Okay," Sam said leaning against the wall listening closely to him, "You ended up dating though."

"Yeah, we did. Seven months. It wasn't easy since I was constantly out of the country working on cases, but he didn't really seem to care about that. I asked him too, if he minded, and all he said was he was almost always in the library anyway. The little we saw each other was enough.

"It took awhile to have our first date, but neither of us really cared. It wasn't big or fancy. Hell, I had ended up bringing takeout food to the park across from his work. That was it. Just crappy takeout and it was perfect. That was one of the best days of my life and from then on it just kept getting better. He was the best thing that ever happened to me."

"Then what happened?"

"I…"

Callen stopped pacing and looked over at his friend. He knew that it was an important part of the story, but he also knew that it wasn't exactly his story to tell. He didn't even know if Deeks had told Kensi about his previous job.

"You can't hold this against him, Sam." Callen demanded staring at the man, "I know you don't like him, but do not hold this against him."

His partner stared at him for a moment as if he was attempting to figure out what he was going to say. Or deciding if he could agree to his terms. It was a toss up. With as many issues Sam and Deeks had it wasn't all that surprising.

Callen wasn't exactly sure what it was that made the two of them dislike each other, but they did. That being said they did work together fairly well. As long as they had a buffer than two of them were good. It was good they had Callen and Kensi.

"Alright," Sam finally agreed after a moment, "I won't hold it against him."

"Deeks put himself through law school by dancing at a club," Callen confessed as calmly as he could.

"He was a stripper?"

"Sam."

"Right. Not judging Deeks. Why was that important to tell me? He danced to put himself through school. He's not the first."

Sighing Callen ran a hand over his head wondering how he was supposed to explain what he had done. He had trouble even explaining it to himself. It had made so much sense at the time, but now… Now he was just a dumbass.

"I don't know how, but some of the other agents found out that he and I were together and what his job was," Callen began to explain, "They weren't exactly the nicest people around. One of their favorite things to ask was how much Deeks had cost me. The amount of times I heard them asking about my 'sex worker whore'… It was never boyfriend or partner either. It was always something that made me want to kill them.

"We would be in the middle of the office and they would ask about tricks he had learned from his job. Whether or not I was getting regular blood tests. I got to hear that a lot. It felt like months had passed with them hounding me, but it was only two days. Two days and then I was being pulled into my boss's office."

"Why do I feel like this story gets worse?" Sam questioned crossing his arms over his chest.

"Because it does. My 'team' and I had a case that we were supposed to be assigned to, but after some of the rumors he had heard he wasn't sure about us. He wanted me to know that everything that was being said it my face was only half of it. Behind my back they were saying that no one wanted to work with someone like me. Someone who would date someone like that."

"Someone like you? Someone like that? He was just dancing. Right? It's not as if that's a crime."

"That's what I thought too. It took me a minute before I got what was really being said. Their problem wasn't with the fact that he was a stripper. It was because he was a man. It was because I wasn't hiding the fact that I was with a man."

Sam's eyes narrowed angrily at that. His sexuality and Sam's race had been issues when they became partners. At least they had thought they were issues. Both of them had been looked down on for who they were to the point they thought everyone did it.

It wasn't until they had been working together for a few months that their concerns were brought up. Okay, 'brought up' might not be the right way. They had gotten into a yelling match that had ended up clearing up a lot about them.

It had been hard for them both to see that the other didn't care about the things that others latched onto. They cared about the fact that they were partners and that they had each others backs both in and out of missions.

"You broke up with him," Sam stated knocking him out of his thoughts.

"You know how hard I worked to get everything I have," Callen responded needing to explain what he had been thinking back then, "Everything that I had ever wanted for myself would have been thrown out the window if I didn't do something. I would have lost everything."

"I'm not judging you, G."

"Maybe you should."

"Callen..."

Licking his lips Callen looked over at his partners who was watching him. He looked so calm about the entire story. Like he understood what Callen had been thinking and, at least partially, agreed with him. At least for now.

"I'm not done with the story," Callen offered with a self-deprecating smile, "I haven't told you why Deeks hates me as much as he does."

He knew that it wasn't like him to talk, but now that he started he found that he couldn't stop. He needed someone to know the whole story. Someone had to know what he had been trying to do back then.

"We had been together for seven months," Callen continued when Sam didn't say anything, "I got to know him quite well. Hopes, dreams, fears, all of that. He told me things that he never told anyone else. I won't tell you what I know, but with everything he's been through I'm surprised he's as good as he is. I didn't help in that department."

"What do you mean?" Sam asked curiously though he had stiffened where he stood.

"I didn't want to break up with him. I love him, Sam. I loved him just as much back then as I do now, but I was afraid to lose everything I had. I was terrified. I tried to lie to him at first. I don't remember exactly what I said, but he saw right through me. He knew that something was wrong and tried to explain what had happened. I tried to tell him that he was too good for me and should find someone else. He fought. He said he loved me and that he would never stop loving me no matter what happened."

"Callen."

"I wanted to… I had to make him forget me so he could move on and find someone else. So I… I took the things that I knew he disliked about himself and I threw them in his face."

"Tell me you didn't."

"I couldn't think of anything else! I had to do something to get him to forget about me and it was the first thing that I thought of."

"Why? You could have just broken up with the guy and left it at that. You didn't have to explain yourself."

"Until the next time he saw me around town and tried to talk to me. What if I had been on a case? He could have blown my cover and gotten himself killed! I couldn't risk him."

Sam stared at him for a moment the disapproval clear in his eyes. It was a look that Callen hated with all of his heart, but he knew that he deserved it this time. No matter how he tried to explain what he had done it was wrong and that was it.

"Callen," he sighed shaking his head finally moving away from the wall.

"I know," G offered deflating slightly, "I should have done anything else, but..."

"You reacted out of fear."

"Yeah."

"You do realize that it didn't work, right? He still cares about you."

Blinking a few times Callen looked over at his friend in confusion. Deeks didn't care about him like that anymore. The most he cared was not letting the agent get killed while they were working. That was it.

Okay, so they had almost had sex in the locker room, but that wasn't because he cared. That was because he was angry about what had happened and had wanted to… Why had he come to find him in the locker room again?

"What are you talking about?" Callen questioned softly.

"I've seen the way he looks at you when you aren't looking," Sam offered moving to stand in front of him, "I thought it was a bit of hero worship at first, but with everything you just told me… Callen, he still loves you."

"How the hell can he still love me? After everything I did. He was supposed to hate me and move on!"

"You still love him."

"That's different. He didn't hurt me. He didn't know me well enough to."

"You could change that."

"Did you not hear me before? Do you not get what I did to him? There's no coming back from that."

"He still loves you, G. Why do you think he sent me to get you?"

"He deserves someone better."

"He deserves to know the truth. You owe him the truth."

"I can't tell him what..."

"The hell you can't. G, this is it. This is what I've been trying to get you to see since we became partners."

"That I'm a horrible person? I knew that."

"That you deserve happiness! That you don't have to run away all the damn time because you think that you're not good enough. It was never your choice to make. You should have sat down with Deeks and explained the situation. You didn't do that, but you can now. He cares about you and if you explain what happened than things will change."

"I..."

"You say you still love him. You have to fight for that love, you have to fight for him and for yourself, or you're going to end up alone and afraid! Go find Deeks. Tell him the truth. Figure this out. Together."

"What if..."

"No, we're not talking anymore. You are going to find Deeks and you are going to talk. Now go. Figure this out. Figure out who you want to be. Before it's too late to fix this."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so Deeks is heading to the edge. Luckily someone is there to catch him and push him in the right direction.
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Flipping his signal on Deeks turned left on the street barely paying attention to where he was doing. When he left the NCIS building he hadn't been thinking. All he wanted to do was get away from everyone and everything.

What the hell had he been thinking trying to have sex with Callen? He felt like he could smack himself for doing something so damn stupid. Though that seemed to be a very common theme with him lately.

He had been working with NCIS and Callen for a few months and he had no idea what he was doing. Don't get him wrong he was doing what he loved and he was helping a lot of people, but he felt like he was being torn apart.

Every time he looked up from his desk and saw the other man sitting there his heart sped up and he actually had to fight to keep his mind focused. Not just focused on the work either. Focused on the fact that he was supposed to hate him.

When they had been dating he had thought that he knew who G Callen was. They had spent every second they could together. It wasn't much since he was in school and Callen was doing… whatever it was he ha been doing. Everything that he thought he knew about their past was up in the air now.

Deeks wasn't the type of person to take love lightly. Truthfully, he hadn't actually ever wanted to be in love. After everything that happened between his parents he had thought that it just wasn't worth it.

Then he had met Callen. The man was amazing and for the first time in a long time he felt okay with everything that was going on. He felt as if he had a reason to dream of a future. He never thought he'd get that.

It had shocked him the first time he realized that he wanted to live with the man. They had been hanging out at his place making plans for what they were going to do for dinner that night when the older man's phone rang.

Deeks could remember his heart dropping knowing that whatever they were doing was going to be on hold for who knows how long. He hated whenever the older man was away. Especially since he had no idea when he'd be back.

Back then he hadn't really given it much thought. Callen had told him that he was a reporter that had to go wherever his boss said to. At the time it had seemed like a perfectly legit career. Now though he knew better.

A part of him couldn't believe the lies that he fell for when it came to the other man. Yes, reporters had to leave a lot and they couldn't always talk about their stories, but they weren't nearly as closed off as the man had been.

He had just thought that was the way Callen was. Deeks had been through enough things in his life to be able to tell that the man came with a lot of baggage. It was because of that that he hadn't pushed for answers when he probably should have.

He couldn't believe just how stupid he had been. Of course the man was hiding things from him! Alright, so it wasn't the things that he has expected, but it still made sense that he didn't know anything about him.

Could he even still say that he had been in a relationship with Callen? Had he known him at all? Was everything that they had been through a carefully thought out lie? Had they even been in love with each other?

Stepping on the brakes a little too hard Deeks parked on the street and forced himself to take a deep breath trying to get rid of the shakiness he felt. Nothing helped though. He still felt like he was about five seconds from shaking out of his skin.

Slowly prying his hands away from the steering wheel he let out a broken laugh. He remembered this feeling all too well. The uncontrollable shaking, the feeling like he was both going to burst out crying or break something, the pain that seemed to radiate through him. It was withdrawal.

It had been ten years since his last drink. Ten fucking years. One would have thought that he'd be over it by now. There were points in time though that he felt like he was right back at the beginning and he hated it so much.

Ray had actually tried to get him to go talk to a doctor a few times because of it, but he had brushed him off. As long as he stayed sober than he didn't give a damn about anything that it came with. Probably not his best plan, but it worked.

At least it mostly worked. There were points in time though where all he wanted to do was throw his progress out of the window. It didn't really seem worth it at times. Not when it would be so much better if he was completely drunk.

Licking his lips he tilted his head back and let his mind get away from him for a second. It might have been a long time since his last drink, but he still remembered it. To be able to get those feelings back again…

Jerking up in his seat he forced himself to stop those thoughts. He was close enough to the edge at the moment and he did not need anymore of a reason to do something stupid. Not when he knew exactly how it would end.

The car suddenly felt to small. He barely paid attention as he practically scrambled out of his seat slamming the door shut behind him. His chest was heaving as he tried to catch his breath while he looked around.

It took him a second to recognize where he was, but when he did a desperate laugh fell from his lips. He was only a few buildings away from the church he had gone to for his AA meetings. That shouldn't have surprised him as much as it did.

The church had been a safe haven that he had gone to whenever he was feeling close to the edge. Of course that was where he was going to end up. It made perfect sense because apparently he was living in the past.

For a moment he sat there taking in the sight of the building. It had been a few years since the last time he had seen the church. The last time has been right after he started doing undercover work, about five years ago.

It was amazing to think that it had been that long though. It felt like so much shorter when he thought back to the time he ended up playing jump rope with a group of kids right outside the front steps. It had been a good time.

That had actually been one of the reasons that he had decided not to go back there. Of course there were times when all he wanted to do was show up on the steps and go inside to talk to one of the priests that he knew, but he couldn't. Not with the job he had.

When he had first been offered the job of working undercover he had turned it down. He hadn't thought that that was the life that he wanted to live. There was absolutely no appeal to him at all. Then he was told to think about it.

Deeks still wasn't exactly sure what it was that had changed him mind, but when he went into work the next day he had said yes. That 'yes' had changed everything about his life and he couldn't say that he was upset about that.

He loved his job. Even with all the things that made him want to reach for the nearest bottle and drown himself he loved it. It was the first time that he felt as if he was truly doing something good with his life.

It did have some draw backs though. Like the fact that he had to be more careful where he went regularly. He hadn't changed the small things like the corner store he went to and look where that had gotten him. With the church though he had just stopped going altogether. He couldn't risk the people inside getting hurt because of him.

It was so strange to be looking at the building once more after all the years had passed. He had so many bittersweet memories of going there every Tuesday and Friday night. At least those nights if he didn't have a case.

He'd make his way through the almost completely empty hall until he was in one of the back rooms with a small group of people that were there for the same reason as him. He had hated the fact that he had to be there, but he had actually enjoyed going. When he didn't feel like he was dying.

It had been difficult for him to get over the fact that the meetings were the same ones that his parents had argued about on good days. His mother tried her hardest to get his father to go and talk to someone. She said that it would help him, but he always brushed her off as if the whole thing was stupid.

As much as he wished he didn't do it he still heard his father's voice in his head. He tried not to listen to the man, but he didn't always realize what he was doing. Like dismissing AA meetings because 'real men' didn't talk about their feelings.

From the few conversations he heard he had always dismissed the idea himself when it was brought up. The last thing he needed to do was talk to a room full of judgmental people that probably had more issues than he did. He didn't need that in his life.

Because obviously his friends were just overreacting. He was fine. So he drank a little bit too much and ended up so drunk that he couldn't remember what he did the next day. Big deal. And maybe he slept around with total strangers and had to get tasted a few times. He was perfectly fine.

He had been lucky to have a friend like Ray. The older man had not only downright refused to let to it go. Every single time they saw each other the man was ready to tell him why he needed to go to a meeting. Sometimes it wasn't even trying to convince him as much as it was just plain pleading.

Ray had been his best friend since he was five. The guy knew quite literally everything about him. He had been the first person that he had come out to actually. At the same time he knew everything about Ray. Like the fact he didn't plead.

Watching his friend breakdown like he had was what pushed him into seeking help. As much as Deeks hated to think about it he could remember the fights that the two of them had gotten into. Both of them would become the men that they swore they'd never be.

All that anger did was push him into drinking more. During that time everything was pretty much a blur of either waking up in bed with a stranger or waking up in a pool of his own vomit. Good times.

The only other memories he really had involved his best friend. He could remember the man picking him off the floor and forcing him into the tub. He'd sit right at the edge and wash away the vomit and cum and whatever else he ended up covered int.

Nothing said friendship like having someone literally strip you out of your dirty clothes and give you a bath because they were afraid you would pass out and drown. He would never be able to thank Ray for everything he had done for him.

He knew that without the man he would be dead by now. There was no question in his mind. That thought alone had gotten him through more than a few tough times. He never wanted to force his friend through that again.

Something he kept repeating in his mind as he stood there staring at the church. It was a quick fix for a problem that he knew he was running away from, but it had helped in the past. He just needed to… Do something.

He couldn't make himself move though. Moving meant that he was closer to the edge than he had been in awhile and he didn't want to admit that. He didn't want to admit that the shaking in his hands was because he wanted a drink.

As soon as that thought entered his brain he wanted to smack himself. He had spent so long getting sober again. He couldn't let himself even break for just one moment. Not if he didn't want to erase everything he had done.

It was ironic that Ray had been worried that going undercover would be his undoing. It wasn't as if he could easily say no to a drink with some of the people that he took down. That rarely gave him problems though.

No, what got him was Callen. A man that was supposed to be nothing more than a colleague now. He really should have listened to Ray and walked away when he found out his ex was a part of the NCIS team.

Shaking his head Deeks clenched his hands into fists and started to walk down the street to the church. It didn't matter whether or not he wanted this to be happening it was and he had to face it head on before it killed him.

As he got closer to the building he thought back to the times when he went almost religiously. That thought made him laugh a little. He wasn't a very religious man, but he hadn't gone there to find God or anything like that.

Come to think of it he wasn't really sure why it was this specific church that Ray had taken him to. It was just the place that they went for his meetings. And where he had gone when the world was just too much and there were no meetings.

It had been the hardest in the beginning. There were some days when he couldn't make it the few days between the meetings and he hadn't wanted to call Ray to come and sit with him. So he went to the church and sat in a back pew having no idea what he was supposed to be.

For the first few weeks he was ignored. Just another lost person that was looking for something. Most people went with the thought that it was better to ignore someone like him because the risk of them being crazy was high. Then Father Wesley sat next to him.

That was it too. There was no talking or sideways glances. The man simply sat there and stared towards he front of the building. Sometimes Deeks would get up right away and rush off and others the two of them would sit for hours not speaking.

It took him another few weeks before he actually spoke to Father Wesley, but once he did there was no going back. He had loved going there once upon a time. So why wasn't it easier for him to go inside now?

A sigh fell from his lips as he hit the foot of the building. Just a few more steps and he'd be inside. Just a few more steps. Lifting his foot he readied himself to climb the stairs only to freeze when he heard uproarious laughter coming from down the street.

A voice in the back of his mind yelled at him not to look. It was one o'clock on a Wednesday. There weren't many reasons for laughter like that at a time like this. Nothing good could come from looking. That didn't stop him though.

Across the street a few buildings down was a couple staggered out of the bar. The couple was obviously having a good time. Good enough that if they didn't move inside soon they'd be arrested for public indecency.

That wasn't what he was focused on though. That bar hadn't been around the last time he had shown up. He doubted that he would have ended up going inside the church at all if the bar had been there.

Glancing up at the church he told himself over and over to go inside. He was so close to the front door. A lot closer than he was to the bar. It would be better for him if he just took a few steps and went inside. He felt like he was at war with himself and he was losing.

"The answers you're looking for aren't at the bottom of a bottle," a peaceful voice spoke up from behind him.

Spinning his head towards the voice Deeks found himself looking at Father Wesley. The man had a few more gray hairs than he had before, but other than that he looked exactly the same. For some reason that put him on edge. It had been years. Shouldn't they have changed even a little?

"What if I'm not looking for answers?" Deeks questioned glancing back at the bar, "What if I just miss it? What if I'm just done?"

"I'm sure there was a closer bar to you than that one," Father Wesley offered motioning towards the bar, "I feel as if you came here for another reason."

"I didn't know I was coming. I just started driving and..."

"You ended up here… Do you think that means anything?"

Licking his lips Deeks continued to stare at the bar longingly. All he wanted to do was go over there and drink. To feel the burn of the alcohol down his throat, to have that blissful empty head space, to just forget it all and have the world stop for a moment.

"Marty," Father Wesley spoke stepping in front of him and blocking his view, "Come sit with me for awhile. If by the end of our conversation you still want to drink I won't stand in your way."

"I..." the detective tried to start before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, "Okay."

A gentle smile came to the older man's lips as he placed a hand on the detective's back and led him up the stairs. Both of them were silent as they moved through the church making their way up to the front.

"How have you been, Marty?" Father Wesley questioned letting his hand drop down, "It's been a long time since I last saw you."

"I..." Deeks spoke only to trail off as he thought back on the last few years.

To say that he had never thought that his life would end up the way that it did was an understatement. He had truly thought that he would be dead by now. Even after he stopped drinking he had thought that.

Now though he had a pretty good life. Okay, so he got shot at a few more times than most people and maybe he pretended to be someone he wasn't more often than not, but every job had its drawbacks.

"Marty?" the man asked stopping next to him, "Are you alright?"

"I don't know," the detective muttered softly.

"You don't know if you're alright or you don't know how you've been?"

"Neither. Both. I feel like I don't know anything anymore."

"Is that why you want to drink?"

"No. Yes. I don't… How is it possible that I can't stop thinking yet I feel like I don't know anything? I'm so tired, Father Wesley. I'm just so tired."

A strong hand rested on his shoulder once more causing him to look at the other man. Slowly Father Wesley led him to the front pew and had him sit down. He watched as the man knelt in front of him his green eyes full of the same concern and caring they always had been.

"You know that I will not speak to anyone about what you say to me," Father Wesley gave a gentle reminder, "Anything you say is between us."

"I know," Deeks replied with a barely there smile.

"You still don't want to talk about it. I know that you are not the most comfortable here. It must bring back some memories for you."

"That seems to be a common theme lately."

"Tell me about it."

Staring at the other man Deeks forced himself to stop and think about what he wanted to say. In truth, he wanted to spill his guts about everything that was happening. Well, not everything since there was a lot of top secret things in his life now, but the rest was free. Right?

Back when he worked for just LAPD he had pretty good control over thing that he did and said. He knew what he was doing and he didn't have to second guess himself. That all changed when he started with NCIS. They played on a much grander scale. One that he wasn't sure he was ever going to get a handle on.

He had always been cautious when it came to who he talked to before, but now it was something else. Even sitting in front of someone that had helped him get sober and already knew most of his secrets he was scared to talk.

This was why he hadn't wanted to take the job in the first place. Questioning everything and everyone he came in contact with? That was not his idea of a good time. Especially when he already knew the person!

Father Wesley had been a key factor in his life for years. He knew who the man was. The man was obviously not there to harm him. He was just a caring person that had seen that he needed help. There was no reason not to trust him.

"I'm sorry," Deeks whispered dropping his head to his chest.

"What are you sorry for?" Father Wesley questioned moving to sit next to him on the pew.

"I want to trust you. I know I can trust you, but I..."

"A lot has changed for you since we last spoke."

"It has."

"I see. I would never make you answer questions that you don't feel comfortable answering."

"That's not the point. You're Father Wesley. The man that helped me get sober. That would sit with me for hours saying nothing. You… I should trust you. I do trust you."

"Marty- Do you remember the time you were here during that thunderstorm?"

"I… Vaguely. You were talking to this family. I don't know, but there were kids. A lot of kids. They were running all over the church trying to get to the windows to see the lightning. Their father was at his wits end."

"O'Riley. Yes, that was the day I figured out who you were."

Cocking his head to the side Deeks looked at the older man in confusion. It had only been a few weeks into his withdrawal and everything was still a little blurry. He had no idea how anyone could have gotten anything but pathetic from him back then.

"James was planning his sisters funeral," Father Wesley continued staring at the front of the room, "He was taking care of his own children and hers and you were right he was at his wits end. I tried to help him as much as I could with the planning, but it wasn't easy especially with the children either running around or hanging off of him. You were sitting in the back like you normally did.

"We hadn't spoken a word to each other at that point, but you stood up. You looked like you were about to fall over. James was a little worried when you started forward, but I could see something in you so I held him back. Do you remember what you did?"

Closing his eyes the detective attempted to think of what had happened after that. He could vaguely see what the other man was describing. With a shake of his head he dropped his head once more feeling like he was failing.

"You gathered the children in a small group and you began to tell them stories. You told them story after story while James and I planned the funeral. By the time we were done your voice was starting to go and three of the children had fallen asleep, but you still talked. Because in that moment you saw someone needing help and you helped. In that moment, Marty, I knew everything I needed to know about you. Even at your darkest point you were helping someone. That comes with a lot of responsibility."

Deeks could feel the tears welling in his eyes. He hadn't known that that was what Father Wesley had thought about him. In his mind the man was just helping him because he was in his church and that's what he did. He never thought to look past that.

"I got a promotion," he offered after a moment.

"You're no longer a police officer?" Father Wesley questioned confused.

"No, I am. I just work undercover now. So no telling people."

"You have my word. That must be difficult. Especially with your past with drinking. Do you have trouble handling the urges sometimes?"

Deeks couldn't help but smile slightly at that. The man cut right to the chase. That was something that he had always liked about him. He wasn't one to sit there and let someone hide behind anything.

"Sometimes," Deeks shrugged some how feeling more balanced than he had before, "It's not the easiest thing in the world, but I wouldn't change what I do. I'm helping people. It's the best feeling on the planet."

"I believe that," Father Wesley smiled a laugh falling from his lips. I never wondered why you choose the line of work you do. It seemed exactly like the type of thing you'd do. Maybe I should have asked."

"It's not really a story. You know what happened with my father. I just wanted to help protect people from those who abuse their power."

"Like you wish someone did for you?"

A shiver ran down his spine at that. Sometimes he forgot just how easy it was for the man to look through him. He didn't even have to say a word Father Wesley just knew what he needed to hear or not hear. It was nice.

He suddenly remembered the last time they had been in the position they were in. Father Wesley had had his ever patient smile on his lips as he told him how proud he was of him for completing yet another year of sobriety. It had been the first time someone outside of Ray had said that to him.

"I'm sorry, Father Wesley," Deeks whispered suddenly overrun with guilt.

"Whatever for?" the older man asked staring at him.

"For leaving without saying a word. You were so good to me and I just left. I didn't even give you a warning I just left."

"Marty..."

"I mean after everything you did for me..."

"That is enough, Martin."

Jerking his head up at the older man Deeks felt his eyes go wide. In all of his time around Father Wesley he had never heard him take that tone with anyone. He was always calm and peaceful. If the man was sounding like that than it was clear that he had done something stupid.

"Marty," the older man continued much calmer after a moment, "Why are you punishing yourself?"

"What?" the detective questioned cocking his head to the side.

"You are attempting to take the blame for something that you know doesn't matter. I am here for you. That won't change. No matter how long it has been since the last time we talked I am still here for you. You want to take the fall for some reason and make me upset with you. Why?"

"No, I don't… I just… I'm sorry, Father Wesley. I don't know what I'm doing anymore."

"Will you tell me what is going on with you?"

"I can't give you details. For their safety and yours."

"I won't ask for them."

"Okay. I started a new job a few months ago. It's everything that I've ever wanted for my career."

"You don't seem happy about that."

"I am. I was. One of the people that I now work with though is someone from my past."

"Someone that you have issues with?"

"He might be the reason that I started to drink in the first place."

"I see."

Without thinking about it Deeks jumped to his feet and started to pace. He had explained to the man what had driven him to drinking when they first started to get to know each other. It had been easy to confide in him. A lot easier than the people in his meetings.

There was a reason that he said Father Wesley and Ray got him sober. The meetings had helped a little, but for as outgoing as he was he did much better with one on one conversations. It was easier to talk for him.

With Ray he already knew everything. Deeks hadn't hidden that he and Callen were dating and as soon as it was over his best friend had known what was going on with him. There was no explanation needed.

Father Wesley had known nothing though. Deeks had had to sit there and explain about his past and about Callen and everything in-between. He doubted that he had ever spoken so much before in his life, but he finally got the story out.

For the longest time he blamed Callen for his drinking problem. If he hadn't done what he did than everything would have been fine. Ray had wanted to blame the man as well. It was easy for them to do that. It wasn't as if he would have fallen if he wasn't pushed.

Father Wesley had been the first person to stop that line of thinking. He had pointed out that while Callen had pushed Deeks was the one that didn't get up. Yes, the agent was to blame for the fall, but the rest was all Deeks.

He had to take responsibility for his actions. Callen might have hurt him, but he was the one that decided that the best way to deal with that was downing every bottle of alcohol he could get his hands on.

That was why he cared about the man as much as he did. It couldn't have been easy to tell someone that they needed to stop being the victim and be themselves again. He cared enough about Deeks to force him to see the truth. That had always been nice.

"Do you still blame him for what happened?" Father Wesley suddenly asked.

"No, I fell down that rabbit hole myself," he offered with a shake of his head, "I shouldn't have gotten stuck in that cycle. I knew better, but I was running. I'm still upset with what he did though."

"Did you ever fine out why he did it?"

Blinking a few times Deeks looked over at the other man his words hitting like a train. Why. How was it possible that he hadn't thought of that himself? Callen was right there. He could finally find out what happened.

"I have to go," Deeks said already moving towards the doors.

Practically racing to his car he thought back to everything that had happened between him and Callen and wondered if he really knew what happened. He had to get to the man and… Callen was already leaning on his car.

"G," Deeks greeted slowing down when he got closer.

"We need to talk," the agent stated staring at him in that way of his.

"Yeah, we do."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally Deeks and Callen have a real conversation! That only took nine chapters. It also means that this story is almost over. Probably just one more chapter before the end. Now if only I knew what that chapter was going to be! Send help!!!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

An amused smile tugged on the corner of Callen's lips as he watched the man across the table talk happily with the waitress. They hadn't said a word to each other since they got to the diner, but looking at Deeks you wouldn't have been able to tell.

The agent couldn't barely believe that he was a detective now. He was always so open and welcoming of everyone around him. It didn't really compute in his mind, but that was par for the course when it came to the man.

It was also the reason that he had fallen in love with him in the first place. Watching someone that had gone through so much pain and misery in his life open his heart to complete strangers was incredible.

For longer than he liked to admit he thought that that was why he agreed to go on a date with him. Someone as good as Deeks couldn't possible want someone like him without either wanting something from him or feeling sorry for him.

He had gone into their relationship with the idea that it would be nothing more than a fling. It wasn't what he had wanted by any means, but he figured that was all he was going to get so he had to suck it up.

Then their first date ended with barely more than a kiss and a promise that they would do it again. The next few dates followed that same script until they had been together for almost two full months. His longest real relationship.

As soon as he realized that he started to panic. He didn't do relationships. He couldn't do relationships. Not with the job he had. It brought someone that wasn't trained into a situation that could get them killed. He couldn't do that to someone.

He had decided long ago that as long as he worked undercover that he would never entire a serious relationship. That had worked for him for years. It wasn't the healthiest thing to do, but he never lied and said that it was anything except a good time.

Then he met Deeks and that went out the window. He hadn't even realized that how long they had been together at first. He just lived his life as if nothing changed. Thinking about it he knew that it was odd that having the younger man in his life hadn't changed things. He just seemed to fit into his life like he had always been there. That was when people began to talk.

Hearing everyone around him point out that he was truly dating the younger man he started to convince himself to pull away. Before each date he'd tell himself that it was time to end it all and walk away. He had just been in it for the sex anyway. It wouldn't be that hard.

Then another month would pass. And other. And other. Until they had been together for six months and he was well and truly in love with Deeks. He had completely lost what little control he had over the situation and he didn't care.

As scary as it was being with him it was also the best he had felt in awhile. He was loved and safe. It was as if he finally had a chance at getting the type of life that he refused to admit that he wanted. He was so close.

He should have known that it would never last, but he had left himself get lost in the idea of it all. In their last month together he had even started to consider telling Deeks the truth about who he was and what he did. He believed that much that they were going to be together for the long haul.

Then he had to choose between the man that he loved and the career that he had dreamed of since childhood. Having to make that choice… That had been the hardest thing that he had ever had to do.

He had truly believed that he had found the person that he was going to spend the rest of his life with. Whenever they were together he forgot that he knew nothing about his family. All that mattered was who he was with the other man.

At the same time though all he had ever wanted was to be an agent. It was the only dream he had as a child that he knew he could make happen. It didn't matter what anyone else thought. It was just about him and his skills.

For awhile he had believed that he would be able to have both, but he had learned quickly that he had had to pick one or the other. He knew who he was without Deeks; he knew he could survive. He didn't know if the same was true about his job.

So he broke up with the man. It had killed him to do that, but he couldn't give up everything that he had ever worked for. He just couldn't. He had made his choice and no matter how horrible he felt he'd have to deal with it.

He had thought that that was the end of it. Deeks was out of his life for good. It wasn't as if they were ever going to run into each other again and even if they did it wasn't as if the younger man would try to talk to him.

The last thing he expected was for the man to become a part of his team. Callen wasn't above admitting that he missed Deeks every day since he left, but he had told himself over and over that it was for the best.

Deeks was too good and too pure to ever be part of that side of his life. Yes, he knew about the darkness in his part and that he was going to see some horrible things being a lawyer, but it was different. At least that's what he told himself.

As much as he hated it he had actually wondered if maybe he had been right all along. That Deeks had just been using him for information and as soon as he left he went on to a new target. He should have known better than to think that. Finding out he was an undercover cop was just as shocking though.

It had taken awhile, but he had come to see that the man was damn good at his job. He could give them all a run for their money and he didn't have half the training they did. It might not be where he thought Deeks would be, but it worked for him.

Still, ever since the younger man walked back into his life he had taken to watching him closely. If anyone asked he'd play it off and say that it was just because he was new to them and needed more attention.

In truth though, he had been cataloging everything that the man did so he didn't forget about anything. He already felt as if he was missing some major things when it came to their past. He didn't want to miss anything else. Especially since he would probably leave soon anyway.

He was more than a little surprised that the man was still around at all. Between him and Sam they hadn't exactly been welcoming. Kensi could be just as bad as them sometimes too. There was more than a few reasons not to stay.

He stayed though. Every day that passed Callen counted as both a blessing and a curse. As much as he wanted to have the man in his life he felt like his heart was being ripped out seeing him and not being able to reach out to touch him.

It was obvious that Deeks didn't really want to be around him and with everything that he had already done with for the man he thought it a good idea to leave him alone. It killed him every time he had to watch that beautiful smile bloom on his lips whenever he was truly enjoying himself.

He'd throw his head back exposing his long neck and his shoulder would shake as he laughed. Then he'd look over at Callen. As soon as their eyes met he'd sober up a little, not enough for anyone else to notice, but the agent saw it.

He never felt worse then in those moments. There was no doubt in his mind that he had hurt the man, but it wasn't until he watched the happiness drain out of him that he realized just how royally he had messed up. The man was never going to forgive him for what he had done.

As soon as he thought that though he realized just how much of an asshole he was being. This wasn't about Deeks forgiving him. This wasn't about him at all. The detective deserved to know the truth that was what he was going to do.

He owed Deeks an answer for everything he had done. After that the ball was in his court. All Callen could hope for was them being able to work on the team without their past hanging over all of their heads.

Even with those thoughts though he couldn't help but let his mind wonder to the possibility of Deeks forgiving him. The idea that maybe they'd be able to get back what they had was as intoxicating as it was idiotic.

There was so much past between them and none of it was easy to move on from. He didn't know exactly what was going on in the younger man's mind, but he knew by the anger that was in his eyes he hadn't let go of it all.

At least that's what he thought he saw. There was something about the man that threw him into a tailspin. He had no idea what went on in his mind and he had spent days trying to figure it out. All he knew was that he was there and wasn't leaving anytime soon.

Which lead Callen to fantasize a little. He realized rather quickly that if Deeks said that he wanted to start up with him again that he wouldn't hesitate to say yes. He also realized that he wouldn't hesitate to stand perfectly still if he said he wanted to shoot him. It was all messed up on so many levels and he had no idea what he was supposed to do to fix it.

If things went wrong between him and Deeks it wasn't just their relationships in the balance anymore. It was the whole team. At the same time though if they continued the way they were than they weren't going to last much longer either.

If there was one thing he knew without a doubt it was that the team was complete with Deeks. He couldn't risk losing him because he was being an idiot. Every scenario ended with the younger man leaving and he hated that.

He loved Deeks. There was nothing that would change that. Whether the man was a part of his life or not he couldn't forget him. The team though needed him to be whole. He wasn't going to ruin that for them.

In the back of his mind though all he wanted was to never lose the man again. He knew that the likelihood that he and Deeks could even be friends was nearly impossible, but he couldn't help but feel hopeful that something would happen and the man would forgive him.

At the same time that was the last thing that he wanted. He had purposefully hurt the detective. He should never be forgiven for it. Deeks had to protect himself from the things that hurt him. If that meant walking away Callen would just have to deal.

As long as Deeks was fine then he would be as well. Even if that meant he had to sit back and watch the younger man fall in love with someone else and completely forget about him. He deserved happiness and as long as he found that then Callen was good.

It didn't matter that the idea of him with another person made his heart was breaking. With everything he had done to the other man he didn't have any right to step into his personal life. He barely had a right to question his professional life.

Something that he had learned earlier. Despite everything that happened he felt more than a little protective of Deeks. All he wanted to do was keep him safe. He couldn't though. Not when Deeks didn't trust him as far as he could throw him.

There was a small part of him that wanted to be upset by that. Yes, he had hurt the man, but he was technically the team leader and it was his job to keep everyone safe when they were out in the field. Deeks had to know that.

There were points in time though that he felt that the detective either wasn't listening to him or just chose to ignore whatever it was he said. It wasn't the way the team should function, but he couldn't really call him on it since nothing had happened yet.

All in all he knew that he had to get him and Deeks on the same page before something happened and hurt them all. Callen had never been good at admitting to his own mistakes though. It was a weakness that he wasn't allowed to have.

He had grown up with the knowledge that he was the only person that he could ever trust. Admitting that he had done something wrong just never ended well for him in the end. That was exactly what he had to do though.

That meant that he had to be more honest than he had been with Sam. He had told the man that he did what he did because he was worried about his job and that was true, but it wasn't close to being the full explanation.

"Callen!" Deeks called out loudly waving a hand in front of his face, "You in there?"

"What?" he questioned looking over at the man, "Right. Sorry."

"Sure. Are you okay? You looked really lost there for a moment."

Shaking his head the agent place his hands on the table and stared at Deeks. In that moment there was no animosity or anger in his eyes. He was genuinely concerned about him. It made no sense to him.

At the same time though it did bring a smile to his lips. The last word people would use to describe Deeks was serious. It was always amusing to watch him fall into that role. He had no doubt that the man could hold his own in a fight, but it still didn't seem like something that he'd be good at.

"I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say," Callen offered leaning back in his seat, "I honestly didn't think you'd want to talk to me."

"Me either," Deeks sighed wrapping his hands around his coffee cup, "There's a lot to say though."

"I know. I just can't seem to find the words to say."

Watching the detective nod his head in understanding Callen realized that he had yet to look him in the eye. That wasn't like Deeks at all. He always made a conscious effect to hide the anxiety and doubt he felt about himself. Especially in situations like they were in.

"Are you okay?" Callen questioned forcing himself not to reach out to touch the younger man's hands..

"Tired," Deeks admitted his voice barely over a whisper, "And really wanting a drink."

"We could have gone to a bar."

"Yeah. No. I shouldn't drink."

There was something in his tone that put Callen on edge. It was clear to him that Deeks needed some kind of comfort, but he knew that it would not be welcomed if he moved to the other side of the table and wrapped his arm around the man's shoulders.

"Bad drunk?" Callen asked though he felt like he didn't want to know the answer.

"More like an alcoholic," Deeks stated a self-deprecating smile on his lips though he still didn't look up from his cup.

Callen felt his eyes go wide at that. He had known that something was going on, but that was the last thing he expected. After everything that had happened with his father Deeks had sworn that he would never fall down that hole.

His greatest fear had always been to come like his old man. So he kept his drinking to only one or two glasses whenever they went out. He didn't even keep any alcohol in the house unless it was for cooking.

The idea that the man was an alcoholic was concerning to say the least. Especially since it would have had to happen after they broke up. Or maybe because they broke up. Had his actions really pushed him to start drinking?

"Alcoholic?" he asked his eyes darting over the younger man's face hoping to find a lie.

"Yeah," Deeks answered licking his lips as his eyes slipped shut, "I'm an alcoholic. Sober for ten years."

"That's… good."

A dark chuckle fell from the detective's lips as he finally looked up. Those blue eyes that he had fallen in love with were darkened with anger. He usually only saw that look when he was talking to a suspect.

"Yes, it's a good thing," Deeks supplied with a twisted smile, "I truly love the fact that I can't drink right now despite the fact I want to get completely plastered and forget what's going on."

The agent's heart sank hearing that. He had watched more than a few good people fall into that life and never find a way get back up. The fact that Deeks had ten years of sobriety under his belt was a miracle in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," Callen offered watching as the younger man deflated slightly.

"It's not your fault," Deeks responded with a shake of his head.

"Are you sure about that? Because you weren't an alcoholic before I came along."

"I blamed my problems on you for a long time, Callen. Maybe you were the catalyst to me getting drunk a time or two, but I was the one that continued to drink and sleep my way through most of LA."

Callen stopped for a moment and thought about his words. He drank and slept his way through most of LA? That was not the man that he had wanted to spend his life with. What the hell had he done to him?

"Hey," Deeks called out kicking him in the shin, "Stop that."

"If I hadn't-" Called tried to start his lips pulling into a thin line.

"Surprisingly enough my life stopped revolving around you awhile ago."

"I deserved that."

"You deserve worse, but you didn't cause my drinking problem."

"I should have-"

"You didn't-"

"No, it's my turn to talk now, Deeks."

The detective sent a glare his way, but moved back in his seat his mouth closed. It was hard to get a read on the other man, but he knew that he didn't have long to explain himself before they were back at the beginning.

"I thought I was doing the right thing at the time," Callen sighed running a hand over his head, "I didn't think that what I said would hurt you as much as it did."

"Why the hell wouldn't it hurt me?" Deeks questioned glaring at him once more, "You knew my past and everything that I hated about myself and you threw it in my face. You made me feel like I meant nothing. And you knew how much that would hurt."

"I know that now. I knew that back then, but I… I didn't think that you cared about me as much as I cared about you. I thought that you'd think I was a massive dick that wasn't worth your time and that you'd never talk to me again."

Deeks eyes were still dark with anger, but there was something underneath it that made his heart clench in shame. It was the first time that he admitted out loud that he had wondered if the younger man had actually cared about him. He should have known better than to wonder that.

"How can you even question that?" Deeks asked unable to not jump in.

"I assume everyone that comes into my life is after something, Deeks," Callen shot back letting his temper get away from him for a moment, "I know you know some of my past. You know that I was in the system. I know you know what that is like."

"A bit. I never went in. I stayed with Ray after Dad when to jail."

"It's not fun. You start to think that you have a small chance of having a real foundation only to have the ripped out from under you every week or two; if you're lucky. Then you have the other kids in the house that are in the same boat as you. Some don't care, but others… They act like they're your friend until they finally have you under their thumb and there's nothing you can do to fight back. So you sit back and let them do whatever it is they want because you're the idiot that let them get close to you."

Looking up he saw the younger man staring at him with wide eyes. Once again the anger was gone and for some reason Callen hated that. He wanted to explain why he did what he did, but he hadn't meant for it to go that far.

"I'm used to being alone," Callen continued knowing he was too far in to stop.

"I get that," Deeks whispered softly, "You know I get that."

"I do, but I didn't back then. I was just so used to being alone and not believing anyone could really care about me that I didn't believe you when you told me you loved me. No matter how much I wanted to."

"So you broke up with me instead?"

"So I didn't talk to you what was going on with me and my work. Dragging you in seemed wrong. I had just started to seriously contemplate whether or not to tell you everything. You have to understand I was working undercover even back then. I couldn't take the risk of telling someone about it. I had to keep myself safe and keep you safe."

"Safe? You think throwing all my insecurities in my face kept me safe?"

"Yes. No. I… It was the first thing I thought of. When I broke up with you I had to make sure that you never talked to me again."

"All you had was breaking me?"

"I didn't think it would hurt you as much as it did."

"Well, it did. I loved you, G. I thought you loved me too."

"I did love you. I  _do_  love you."

"You wouldn't treat someone you loved the way you've treated me."

"I wouldn't know."

"What?"

"I'd never been in love with someone before I met you."

The younger man seem to freeze at his words. Once again Callen hadn't meant to say that out loud, but he couldn't take it back. He didn't really want to either. He was the first person that he fell in love with. He was still in love with him.

At the same time though he knew that it was probably the last thing that Deeks wanted to hear. Before the agent could even think about taking it back the younger man stood up and quickly left the diner.

A sigh fell from Callen's lips as he cursed himself for not thinking before he spoke. Standing up he tossed a few bills on the table and took off after the man not wanting to stop the conversation until they both spoke their peace.

He didn't have to go further than the alley to find the man pacing. Deeks looked so lost in that moment. It was almost as if he was deciding whether or not he should run away from it all. Callen had seen that look many times in the mirror and he found himself hating it all the more on Deeks.

"I'm sorry," Callen offered stopping a few feet away.

"I'm not sure I care," Deeks shot back not bothering to look at him.

"I didn't mean to say that out loud."

"That was obvious, but it doesn't change the fact you said it."

"Deeks-"

"No. Just give me a minute."

Nodding his head Callen took a step back and waited for the younger man to gather himself. If Deeks needed a moment to figure out what was going on in his head than he would happily give him that.

"Why you did what you did?" Deeks finally questioned after a pregnant pause.

"What?" Callen asked blinking a few times.

"You never said why you broke up with me. Tell me. Tell me what changed."

Hearing the almost desperate edge to the younger man's voice Callen let out a sigh his shoulders slumping. He knew that he had planned on telling Deeks everything, but he had hoped that he had opened up enough to get away with not saying what happened with his old boss.

"It wasn't until I started dating you that people at work figured out that I was gay," Callen started stuffing his hands in his pocket.

"Okay," Deeks stared at his crossing his arms over his chest.

"At first it was just people talking about my back. I could deal with that. It wasn't until I was pulled into my bosses office that I knew that something was going to have to change. Apparently, he heard what was being said behind my back and it was worse. They didn't want to work with me anymore. They didn't trust me to have their back during cases."

"Don't tell me..."

"He didn't say it out loud, but I knew that if I didn't break up with you than I wasn't going to have a job for much longer."

Carding a hand through his hair Deeks turned away from him before spinning back around a second later. He opened his mouth a few times as if he was going to say something, but no words came out.

"Where the hell did you work that you had so many dicks?" Deeks questioned the anger clear in his voice.

"CIA," Callen shrugged leaning against the wall, "I got out after a few years. Deeks, I loved my job. It was all I ever wanted. I couldn't walk away from it."

"I get that, Callen. I really do. What I don't understand is why didn't you tell me that. You wouldn't have had to tell me your job. Just that you'd lose it if you and I continued."

"Because I did love you and I didn't want you to know that I was picking my career over you."

Deeks stared at him in silence for a moment before sighing and taking a few steps closer to him. Seeing him move forward Callen couldn't help but feeling his heart speed up. No matter how much time passed he never got over that.

He quickly pushed those thoughts away though. He had to let go of any hopes of a relationship and focus on reality. All he could let himself want was for the man to tell him that he saw where Callen was coming from and didn't blame him for doing what he did.

"I'm still pissed at you," Deeks finally said after a moment.

"Okay," Callen nodded staring at him.

"I get it a little more though."

Callen couldn't help but smile at the man's words. He had been carrying around a weight on his shoulders ever since he had broken up with the detective. For the first time in years that feeling was gone and he couldn't be happier.

"Don't thinking this means I've forgiven you," he continued crossing his arms over his chest.

"I'm fine with that," Callen replied with a nod though the smile didn't leave his lips, "As long as you don't actively hate me."

"It's a fine line, G. Tread carefully."


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no! What is going on with Deeks? And is Ray right saying what he said?
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Falling face first onto his bed Deeks let out a blissful sigh feeling semi-human for the first time in days. His brain told him that it would be a good idea to change into some pajamas or at the very least not lay in a damp towel on his clean sheets, but he couldn't bring himself to move.

He knew that playing a homeless person got him a lot of information, but it was never fun to sleep on the streets. Especially since that was one of the characters that he had to go truly method for. Those clothes were not his friend.

Still, for a few days every few months he would dress up and go live with the homeless. No bed, no shower, no food. It was always fun to have to wear his normal clothes again and see how much weight he lost just from a handful of days out there. It was also the reason he volunteered as much as he did.

After spending so much of his time both when he was younger and when he had to pretend he knew just how hard that type of life could be. If he could help someone even just a little than that was what he was going to do.

This time though he found that he couldn't really complain. Yes, he was exhausted and had lost a few pounds that he couldn't really afford to lose, but for the first time he hadn't actually done it by himself.

Well, he did go under alone and spent most of his time alone, but every morning he got to have a little meet up with his partner. Every morning that he was away from the NCIS team Kensi would drop by and gave him coffee.

It was a small thing, but it was also something no one else had done for him. No one at LAPD really had the time or the care to do something like that and he did his best to keep Ray and his work separate if he could.

All in all it was just really nice to have the woman that spent most of her time teasing him stop to get him a cup of coffee so he could have a little warmth to start the day. Which was amazing considering just how cold he was. Who would have thought that California would get so cold at night.

The part that stuck with him though was the fact that she showed up at all. It was nice seeing his partner when they weren't working together. He liked knowing that she missed him as much as he missed her.

Though if he was honest with himself it wasn't just her that he missed being around. He missed the entire team. Something that he had no been expecting to feel when he first decided to team up with NCIS.

When he first joined the team he did so with many reservations. Not just because Callen was there either. He had never really been the type of person to work with a team. He felt more comfortable when he was alone. Which was good because most people at LAPD didn't particularly like him.

Being with NCIS was different. They might have their differences, but he knew that no matter what everyone had his back. Just like he had theirs. It was a home. A place where he could actually belong.

That was the last thing that he ever thought he'd feel. Especially any place that G Callen was. He and the agent just weren't meant to be in the same place ever again. At least that's what he thought. Things had changed a lot since when he began.

He was still a little surprised by all of it too. After everything that happened between the two of them he had promised himself that he was never going to be around the man again. He would never let himself feel anything for him again.

It seemed like a good plan too. Callen had broken his heart. The last thing that he should ever want to do is give him another chance. It didn't matter if they were just friends he shouldn't put any trust in him.

He doubted that anyone could blame him for it. Especially after they knew what happened. And they did know what happened. At least Kensi and Sam did. Which meant that Hetty probably knew as well. He had to love his team.

Deeks had contented himself with the idea that they were going to be on a team together and that they'd have to have each others backs. It was their job and there was nothing that was going to change that.

Then they actually talked. How things had changed between him and Callen after that conversation. As much as Deeks thought that he'd been holding back their past together so it didn't affect their work he learned he was wrong.

There was always an air of animosity around them. He questioned the man more often than not just because he could. It always seemed that he was pushing at the man so he could continue to show him how much he disliked him. It had been stupid and petty of him, but he hadn't been able to fully let go of the past.

Things had changed though and he was starting to accept that Callen was in fact the team leader. The man knew what he was doing and, while he still questioned him sometimes, there was no reason to dismiss him.

Not that he had forgotten everything that had happened in their past. Who was he trying to fool. It wasn't just their professional lives that had changed, but their personal ones as well. Despite the fact that that was the last thing he wanted.

As much as he hated to admit it there was always going to be a part of him that was in love with Callen. He had been the person that he loved with all of his heart. There was nothing that was ever going to change that.

It was beyond stupid of him to even think about, but he couldn't help himself. Ever since he first saw Callen during their first case together he had been torn between punching him as hard as he could and ravishing him.

In the beginning it was easy to latch onto the anger and hurt that he still felt, but after they talked he found himself slowly letting go of all of that. As the anger slipped away he began to notice just how much the man had changed.

They had been quite young when they first started to date. Young enough that while they had a vague plan for who they wanted to be everything was still up in the air. There had been so many questions that they just didn't have the answers to.

Now they had some of the things figured out and they knew what they wanted in their lives. They had both grown up in their time apart and who they had grown to be was a little shocking if one looked at their pasts.

Especially Callen. At least that's what Deeks thought. It could also have to do with the fact that he hadn't ever really gotten to know who the man was when they were together. It was only now that he was learning who G Callen really was.

It had been clear when they were dating that the agent's childhood had been less than ideal, but he had never spoken about the finer details. Which Deeks had been fine with. Talking about his past wasn't easy and he'd never force anyone to open up if they didn't want to.

The more he learned about G Callen though the more he realized why he was so closed off. It wasn't a pretty picture to say the least and he was impressed that the man hadn't headed down a darker path.

The only good thing that came from it all though was that it had lead him to become one of the best agents out there. It might not bring all the answers he sought, but he helped other people find theirs. That had to be good enough sometimes.

That argument sounded weak even to Deeks. He was no stranger to questioning who he was. To this day he wondered if he was ever going to randomly snap and turn into the man that his father was. It was his greatest fear.

Every day he woke up and went to sleep with that same question on his mind. He was never going to be able to get away from the thoughts that that was the person he was going to become no matter what he did.

He was an adult though. As much as it tore at him he knew that it just happened that way. Having other people, especially children, question who they were though always got to him. He hated seeing that question in their eyes. If he thought it was bad for him he had no idea what it was like for Callen.

A sigh fell from his lips at that. He was supposed to be ignoring thoughts of the older man. There was no reason to think about him when he wasn't at work. Well, except for torturing himself that was.

Ever since he and Callen had that conversation though he found himself thinking about the man all the time. He couldn't get the older man out of his mind. No matter what he did his thought always went back to the agent and along with the thoughts came that stupid flutter in his stomach.

The same flutter he had gotten when they were dating. That was the last thing that he wanted to feel. He might understand why Callen did what he did, but he was still hurt by it. He was only supposed to forgive him so they could move on. He wasn't supposed to fall for him again!

He clearly was not a smart person. How the hell had he let it get as far as it did? Everyone knew that the only way it was going to end was in heartache. Neither of them could go through something like that again.

Huffing Deeks rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. Why couldn't he just walk away from it once and for all? Why couldn't he forget everything that Callen and he used to share? Why couldn't he just move on?

Knowing that he had no chance of getting any sleep that night Deeks sat up and reached for his phone. As he dialed the number he forced himself to ignore how much of a teenage girl he was being calling his best friend in the middle of the night to talk about the boy he liked.

He had to talk though. With all the thoughts that were circling in his mind he had to get someone else to tell him just how much of a dumbass he was being. There was only one person that would be up for the task.

"Hello?" a gruff, sleepy voice answered after a few rings.

"Ray," he greeted not bothering to hide the emotion from his voice.

"Marty? What's wrong?"

"I think I'm falling for Callen again."

The line went completely silent for a moment at that and Deeks was sure his friend hung up on him. With the hell he had been forced to go through the first time around he wouldn't be that shocked if he did. Hell, he wanted to hang up on himself.

"What?," Ray demanded breaking the silence.

"Callen and I talked about everything that happened when he broke up with me," Deeks started to explain, "And now that I know what happened I'm not as angry as I was."

"And that leads you to falling in love with him?"

"No. Yes. Maybe. I don't know. I just can't get him out of my mind. I can't stop wondering about what it would be like if we hadn't broken up."

For a moment all he could hear was his friend shuffling on the other side of the phone. He knew that he had called fairly late, but looking over at the clock he saw that it was a little passed two in the morning. He really owed Ray this time.

"Marty," Ray sighed sounding more than a little concerned.

"I know," he replied running a hand over his face, "Trust me, I know. I don't want to be feeling this way about him again. He broke my heart. I'm not liable to forget that for awhile, but he had his reasons back then and neither of us are the same people we were."

"What could he have said to you that's got your brain so twisted?"

Closing his eyes Deeks began to explain everything that had happened to Callen that lead them to breaking up. As he spoke he found himself getting angry at what the older man had gone through because they dated.

"So his boss was an asshole," Ray offered when he was done, "Since when does that mean that he gets to be an asshole in return?"

"Ray," Deeks shook his head.

"No, I'm serious, Marty. Explain this to me because apparently I'm missing something huge. He purposefully hurt you so that you'd never talk to him again. All because his boss and coworkers were homophobic dicks."

"I know it's stupid."

"It's beyond stupid. Look, you're my best friend, my brother, and the last thing I ever want to do is see you get hurt again. I know that you never really got over him and I know that you never really will, but come on, think about this."

"I know and I am. I'm not trying to excuse him for what happened."

"You're just trying to forgive him and move on like nothing did."

Deeks could hear an almost pleading tone in his friends voice and it made his heart sink. Ray was right. As much as he cared about Callen he couldn't just walk away from everything that happened between them.

Their past together would always make up a huge part of their relationship and he had to accept that. He had no idea what he was supposed to do about his feeling for the older man, but he knew that he had to stop focusing on it if he didn't want to lose everything he already had.

"I hate that you're right," Deeks whispered ignoring the pain in his heart, "I… I just want to be happy and I think I could be that with him."

"I know that, Marty," Ray replied just as softly, "I'm not saying that he'll do this again. I don't know him, but I know you. I know that you'll forgive him and fall in love again without everything thinking to look at the floor to make sure you're stable. You run on emotions sometimes."

"Yeah."

"Look, give it some time. Learn who he is and if this is something that you really can't let go of then talk with him again, but don't just jump into this without thinking."

"Yeah. I hear you."

"You going to be okay?"

"I will. I'm just going to go to sleep and ignore this until I actually know what I'm doing."

"Alright. Call me if you need anything."

"Of course, brother."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the finale is here! It took me awhile to finish this story, but honestly I'm happy to see the ending of it. I hope you are as well! Thanks for the wonderful reviews! <3
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

Leaning back against the wall Callen watched as his team interacted with a smile on his face. After everything that they had been through the last few cases it was nice to see everyone unwinding and having fun.

It had been Sam's idea to have a team get together. Apparently, it was better for their peace of mind to be together without having the fear of people shooting at them. Callen had to admit he did feel calmer than he had earlier.

That also might have to do with the fact that they were doing something that was quintessential to 'family time'. At least it was in his mind. He always had loved the idea of having a reason backyard party. It was nice. Even if it wasn't his backyard they were in.

Actually, the more he thought about it the happier he was it wasn't in his yard. As much as he loved the team he didn't think he could handle that so quickly. Okay, so he didn't want them to see just how bare his house was. That was beside the point.

The point was that they were all together and not thinking or talking about work. Something that didn't happen nearly as much as one might think. For as much time as they spent together it was rare that they were all there. No matter where they went or when they went one of them always held back for one reason or another. Being together as a full team was worth celebrating.

It was also worth observing. He genuinely enjoyed just watching everyone. Whether they were at work or not he sat back and observed them do whatever it was they were doing. It always brought a sense of peace to him.

Watching them in the privacy of Sam's backyard though was so much different than when they wee anywhere else. Everyone lost some of the edge they had about them and, for a few hours, they were just people. It was nice to have some time away from being a special agent.

Not that he was complaining. For as much risk came with their job he knew that none of them would ever walk away from it willingly. At least not without a good excuse. It was their life. For better or worse. Usually worse.

He couldn't stop his mind from going to everything that had happened with Deeks all those years back. He had lost something that could have been amazing because of his job. He would always love his job, but he would also always regret that choice.

A small part of him wondered if it might have actually been a good thing. Yes, he loved Deeks and he always would, but he hadn't treasured that feeling as much as he should have. At least he didn't think he did.

It was a little hard to remember exactly how he felt back then, but he knew that despite everything that he felt it hadn't been real. No, that wasn't right. It was real, but… He didn't know how he was supposed to explain it. Even to himself.

As much as he loved Deeks though he hadn't been himself. He hid and lied about almost everything that made him him. Even he knew that that wasn't the way a relationship was supposed to work.

He wasn't sure that he knew who he was now, but he did know who he wasn't. That person definitely wasn't him. He couldn't believe that he had been so lost in finding out who he was that he lost track of his sight like he had.

It had taken finding the man again to see just how lost he had always been. He had gotten drawn into something so deeply that he had missed the little picture. He never thought he'd say that, but it was truthful.

The big picture was always the grand goal, but if one ignored the little pictures that came up along the way than there was never going to be a big picture. At least not one that anyone wanted to look at.

A sigh fell from his lips as he shook his head. It wasn't worth thinking about at the moment. He was doing everything he could think of to change that part of himself and, shockingly enough, that involved not getting lost in his own head.

Forcing his mind to focus he looked back at his team. A sense of peace filled him as he watched everyone simply having fun without thinking about everything that was sure to bombard them when they went back to work.

Sam was over by the grill with Michelle laughing and hanging off of her. They looked exactly like the happy married couple they were. He always wondered if that was actually how they were when they had time to spend together.

Running throughout the yard was Eric, Nell, and Kamran. Eric had somehow convinced the other two to join him in what looked like… Honestly, Callen had no idea what it looked like, but they were laughing and having fun so he couldn't judge them too much.

Near the back of the yard was Kensi and Deeks playing with Monty. He had never seen the old dog run around as much as he was, but apparently the mutt greatly enjoyed playing monkey in the middle.

Everything was absolutely perfect. At least it would be if his eyes quit looking over at Deeks every five seconds. Yes, he still cared about the man and found him attractive, but they were just friends. No matter what he wanted.

Every time the man moved though his eyes darted to him and then he couldn't bring himself to look away. If he thought that the man looked beautiful normally seeing him so free was beyond anything.

He had this smile on his face that made it seem as if the sun was resonating from within him. From across the yard he could hear his laughter echo in the wind. Everything about him tugged at his heartstrings demanding he go over to the man. Callen had no idea when he started to think like a cheesy romance novel, but he couldn't help himself.

He had tried to ignore those thoughts for the longest time. It had been obvious that Deeks hated him with everything he was. Not that he could ever blame him for that. The fact that they went through shootouts together and the younger man kept him safe surprised him sometimes.

Then they actually talked about what lead up to him breaking up with the man. Callen had truly thought that any kind of relationship with Deeks was never going to happen. He had lost all rights he had to that long ago.

That had been more than two months ago and a lot of things that changed. Which wasn't what he expected when they talked, but he couldn't bring himself to be upset by it. Having the detective be a part of his life outside of work again was everything that he refused to admit he dreamed of.

It was the last thing that he deserved, but he couldn't say that he wasn't happy about the change. Though it did stupidly give him hope that things might continue the way that they were and he'd get back what they had.

Ever since the man walked into his life again he had wanted the man back in his arms. The amount of times he woke up to dreams of being with the younger man was on the ridiculous side. The images felt like a punishment in a way.

He had been so sure that there was no hope for them getting back together. Deeks was so much better without him and the idea that he could still care about him in any way, shape, or form was ludicrous in his mind.

Ever since their talk though Deeks was acting differently. Not that Callen was paying all that close of attention. Who was kidding. All he was doing was paying attention to the younger man and trying to figure out what he was thinking.

Callen wasn't sure if it was wishful thinking on his part or if there was a chance of getting back something he so carelessly threw away, but it was almost as if the man was holding himself back. Just like he was.

It didn't matter how many times he told himself off for what he was thinking he couldn't stop himself. He wanted Deeks more than he ever thought possible. He knew he was stupid for even thinking it, but did didn't stop him.

For the first time in a long time he was okay admitting how much he wanted a life he never thought he'd be able to have. He'd shout how much he wanted Deeks from the rooftops if he thought it would change anything.

With those thoughts swimming in his mind he felt the smile fall away as he continued to watch the man. Everything in him wanted to walk over to him and draw him into a kiss. Even if it meant that he'd get decked afterward.

Anything so he could feel the warmth that seemed to radiate off of him. He missed that warmth more and more every day that passed. He was so close to the man and yet he felt as if he was never going to be close again.

He just looked so happy laughing and playing with Kensi and Monty. It was as if all the weight that had been pulling him down was gone. As much as he wanted to go show the man what he was thinking he didn't want to pull him out of that mind frame.

If there was anyone that deserved to have a little fun it was Deeks. So he'd just push the thoughts away and watch from a distance. He looked like he was having fun with Kensi anyway. He didn't need his ex ruining that for him.

"A lovely sight, isn't it?" Hetty questioned walking up to him.

"Got to love team outings," Callen agreed forcing himself to look away from Deeks.

"Yes, you get to see people for who they truly are."

Looking down at the woman he attempted to figure out what she was saying. If there was one thing he learned working with the woman it was that she always had a second meaning to what she said. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know what she meant this time though.

"I think we know each other quite well," he offered despite himself.

"You know each other when you work," Hetty nodded her head, "But outside of work..."

Hearing the woman trail off his eyes darted around the backyard taking everything in. She was right in a way. All of them had their fair share of secrets. That just came with the job. There was no reason to go into them as long as it wasn't brought up during a case. Unless…

Looking back at Deeks he caught the man watching him back only to look away as soon as their eyes met. Callen couldn't help the way his heart beat faster in his chest just from having those eyes on him.

"You know," Callen stated calmly finally figuring out what she was saying.

"I knew all along," Hetty offered with a nod of her head.

"Then why bring him on?"

"Everyone has to grow up at some point, Mr. Callen. Even you."

Before he could say anything else to the woman she was walking over to the grill telling Sam how best to cook her steak. With anyone else it would have looked ridiculous. Actually, it looked ridiculous either way.

All he knew for sure was that she was probably right about what she was saying. She almost always was. She also always had a plan. It just didn't make sense to him this time. Was she really attempting to play matchmaker or did she want to do something he couldn't see yet?

Both were viable answers. Hetty was not the type of person that one ever figured out. She was more of a puppeteer than anything else. It was a good thing that she liked them all or they'd all be screwed a hundred times over.

"Lost in thought?" a voice questioned from behind him causing him to spin around quickly trying to figure out who had sneaked up on him.

A slight chuckle had him shaking his head slightly when he saw Deeks standing behind him holding two bottles of water. It wasn't often that anyone was able to sneak up on him, but he could tell by the smirk on the younger man's face he was enjoying it.

"Here," Deeks offered holding out a bottle, "I got it for Kens, but I think you need it more."

"Thanks. Having fun?"

"Oh yeah. Got to love a good California day. Might go to the beach later. If the suns up before I leave. How about you? The famous lone wolf having fun with so many people?"

"I don't know if I really count as a lone wolf anymore."

Both men seemed to freeze when those words fell from his lips. He had no idea why he had said that, but the more he thought about it the more he believed what he was saying. He really wasn't all that much of a lone wolf anymore.

For so many years he had held himself back from everyone, especially the people that cared about him. Even after he joined NCIS. He might have gained a lot from working with the team, but he never really threw himself into it like the rest of them did.

It didn't seem to matter that Sam was his best friend or that Kensi, Eric, and Nell were as close to younger siblings as he could get. He always stayed an arms length away from them all in a way to keep them all 'safe'. Whatever that meant.

It was hard to pull away from Deeks though. It was as if he had some magnetic force that kept pulling him back every time he tried to turn away. And he did try. Every day that he saw the younger man he did his best to act as if he was just another person.

He couldn't do it though. No matter what he did or what she said to himself the detective was always on his mind in some form. Whether it was because of work or because of a memory they once shared he was never far from his thoughts.

"Callen?" Deeks questioned jerking him from his thoughts, "Are you okay?"

"Thinking," he answered feeling nowhere near as calm as he sounded.

"Anything I can help with?"

Looking over at the other man Callen took him in. Deeks looked so concerned about him in that moment that he couldn't help the want that pooled in his stomach. Feeling his resolve slip he reached out the cradle the side of his face before pulling him into a kiss.

He didn't let the kiss linger before he was pulling away and taking a step back on the off chance that the man started to swing. He watched cautiously as the detective stood there silently blinking. For a moment he was sure that he had broken Deeks.

A voice in the back of his mind yelled at him to get out of there as fast as he possibly could. It wasn't as if anything good could come from him kissing the younger man. After everything that he had done… How could he be so stupid?

Callen wasn't even sure what came over him in that moment. Watching Deeks be so carefree had brought his guard down too much. Every thought and desire that he tried his hardest to suppress came rushing forward and he acted without thinking.

That was one thing that he hated doing above all else. He was supposed to be in control of himself. It was something that he prided himself on. So why did he always seem to lose it whenever he was around the other man.

Their relationship was already on shaky feet and he had come to terms with the idea that that was all he was ever going to get. The last thing he wanted to do was ruin that because he couldn't control himself.

"Deeks, I…" Callen tried to apologize only to be cut off when a pair of lips crashed over his.

His eyes went wide as Deeks took a hold of the back of his head and held on tightly. A soft moan slipped from Deeks causing the world to rush back to Callen. He knew that he should push the man away, but he couldn't help but pull him closer.

With the thought that the younger man was going to pull back at any moment he poured every emotion that he had been attempting to hold back into the kiss. If anything he would finally have the goodbye kiss he had wanted.

Deeks didn't pull back though. Instead he attempted to move closer to him so their bodies were flushed together. He didn't get far before cold water was getting sprayed over the both of them causing their kiss to break.

Looking behind him he saw Sam holding a hose while smirking at him in a knowing way. Shaking his head he turned back to Deeks and saw a lost look in his eyes. It seemed as if he had gotten a little caught up in everything as well.

A sigh fell from his lips as he grabbed the man's hand and lead him inside and away from everyone. They needed to have a conversation and he knew it would be better for everyone if they weren't over heard.

"Deeks," Callen sighed when they were away from prying eyes.

"I still love you, G," Deeks cut in before he could continue, "I hated you for so long for what you did to me, but I never stopped loving you. I tried to too. Every time I thought about you I'd grab a bottle of whatever I could find or I'd climb into bed with someone just so I could forget about you for a moment. It never helped. Nothing I did ever made me love you any less."

"Deeks-"

"When you told me why you did what you did I found myself hating you a little less every day. I tried to fight it, but the less I hated you the more I remembered how much I loved you."

"Marty-"

"And I have been trying so hard not to fall for you again because I don't know you. I mean, I know you better than I did the first time around, but I still don't know you know you and the idea of being in a relationship with you again is the most terrifying thing that I've ever thought and I don't know what I'm..."

Leaning forward Callen pressed his lips against the younger man effectively cutting him off. The kiss was slower and softer than the one they shared outside and he could literally feel Deeks melting into it as he wrapped his arms around his neck.

"I'm scared too," Callen whispered breaking the kiss, "I'm scared of the person that I am when I'm not around you. Hell, I'm scared of the person I am around you. You make me want to be a better person than I am and I don't know how to be that person, Marty. I don't. But I want to be him. For you."

"I don't know you, G," Deeks offered his lips gently brushing against Callen's.

"I don't know me either, but I know the me around you is better than any other version. Marty, I can't promise that I won't hurt you again. I know I don't want to, I never want to hurt you again, but I also know that I love you as much as you love me."

Silence filled the space between them as they stared at each other trying to figure out what to do next. Both of them knew that it was a horrible idea, but, at the same time, it sounded like the only thing that made any sense.

"We'd have to go slow," Deeks finally said his hand squeezing the back of his neck.

"I should probably let go then," Callen replied moving to step back.

"Don't you dare."


End file.
